Trapped...

Boy oh, boy...Last Saturday was something else. Blew me right out of my element. For a while there I was wondering what I had in mind. Haha, I'm keeping the best for last, like what this title means...Anyways, there was a long awaited party to celebrate Obama's victory although we're Canadian, it's a brother so it was a must.

I'm not even sure where to start. There definitely was some drinking involved...Well a LOT of drinking, I left my car at Kelly's (no drunk driving, it's bad!!!) Anyhow, I invited Tracey (aka the skank) by accident(long story but to make it short, I wanted to save Kelly the drama) plus Tracey had told Kelly she was sick. :(

Pamela told me she wouldn't come Lana canceled last minute...Kim, lol, who had other plans that got canceled and told me she wouldn't come ended up coming. Wow, I had fun!!! A great inspiring toast was made...I don't really remember it word by word but it was a good one.

So, this is almost over, lol, I'm done rambling...one drink and I was...pretty tipsy I'd say. Then second drink; ouf! I LOVE Smirnoff Cosmopolitan's! Anyways, I've been much more drunk in my life but that was something still. Hank was frustrating me. Talking to me for a minute, then leaving, then talking to another girl. Then all of a sudden, back. Grrr...!

Later on in the night, pretty much when I'm giving up and decide to just poor myself another drink and forget about the boy; he enters the kitchen. And what an entrance!!! The kitchen is pretty small and it's just one way in and out really and not many people can stand inside really, I'd say you have less than a meter in between both counters. So he gets in and I'm kinda making a move to get out when I realize he's walking right "into" me. Of course, I do like anyone would do, I back up...until I hit the back wall.

Now anyone who knows me well knows I'm a control freak among other things. That was not very good (ok, it was kinda hot but with me...) So Kim who knows me pretty well came in but right before that, Hank had started talking and touching my waist. Normally I would've told him to stop but hmmm...I'll explain what happened later only figured it out today. Well all this to say that by the time Kim came in, lol, I didn't mind anymore.

To get back to Hank, he's saying he's drunk and he wants to see me drunk as well because I seem to have this line of conduct and it seems like no one or nothing will make me cross it. So I was trying to get him to understand I was already drunk and that I'd been drunk in the past that I wasn't that bad although I do know I'm a control freak.

Hihi, I'm skipping details. First thing I thought of when I woke up on Sunday" was: "Oh crap, I did have sex with Hank...and we got caught by this girl who wanted him (check Uneventful Night post for details).

Kelly doesn't get it. Probably because we're very different. She's very promiscuous and I'm not. I LOVE sex but not with just anybody. The person I have sex with is much more important to me than having sex. So I had to find out what happened with Hank.

Only once before, years ago, had a boy been able to make me do something almost crazy. I knew he was a player and yet I couldn't help myself...Malik...his name meant King in Arabic apparently. Told me the first night we met. Brought me all the way to a sleazy motel where we fooled around. And we saw each other some more. Until the day I freaked because I realized the effect he had over me and thought he said he loved me. We still talk now every once in a while and I remember telling him there was just something about him that I couldn't help myself.

Sunday night, I saw Hank again; we didn't talk much (again). Awkward hihi, Kelly was watching porn with the boys. Anyways, pretty much when we're about to leave Hank says I'm not going anywhere and tells Kelly he's kidnapping me. Lol, he holds me from behind and pretends he won't let me go. Lol, I actually liked that...

Kelly's boyfriend was on his way to her place so I couldn't have much private time with Hank. Skipping details, we didn't actually have sex but did fool around, I wasn't expecting anything to happen at all, weird. Wow, I'm bad. Can't even believe I'm writing it. May it serves me to remember just in case I later regret.

Well, the why...

I'm a control freak and that's okay it's part of my many insanities and I deal with them fine enough. I read something on google while doing a research on control freaks because I had to get to the bottom of it. Turns out, it's nothing much...it's all in the way you handle the person. I'm some sort of a type 1 mixed with a bit of type 2, here is the link to the article.

So if you look on how to deal with a control freak, the answer is right there. It really is all Hank and Malik ever had in common. I'm not that bad but I do freak out a lot and if someone stands too close especially a guy, I'm in panic mode and out of my comfort zone. Kelly was saying he took me out of it but that's not exactly what happened. It's like he momentarily changed it. He became my comfort zone; meaning I could trust him and didn't feel scared with him around.

To me, of course, this rings: "Outcome not so good" but I may be wrong...I think that of every guy anyways. ;) I have to point out especially how the sex was good. Ouf, never been that good since Malik actually. Because I could totally let go with him too? Anyways, after Kevin, that was pretty good. :)

So I've had Kevin who was mixed and now Hank who's black. Will I be able to prove if it's right or wrong that saying that says: "Once you go black, you never go back?". Well, if that's true, a huge goodbye to Dylan! LOL

Super Happy!!!

Oh wow! Too much is going on in my life and I should be in bed, I work tomorrow! I have a new job!!! An amazing one too. My second week already. To make it simple it's one of the four majors in the world in it's field.

Office work was made for me. I'm a quick learner and I feel more than at ease there. It's like where I was always meant to be. The pay is great too...Lol, I'm waiting for my first paycheck actually, my bank account is very much in the red... :(

Love life...well, things haven't been going anywhere with Hank, doesn't help he doesn't have a cell anymore...Luckily, party on Saturday. He wants to get me drunk...warned him it's not an easy task. Lol, he said he'd bring a bottle

I'm annoying when I'm drunk. Plus super friendly where as usually people see me as a cold bitch which is just fine with me. But I get really nice when I'm drunk. Actually tell my friends how much I love them, more than once and not quickly. Oh, man...I don't even know what I'll be like around Hank.

One thing's for sure, he'd know I have the hots for him. Not good; lol, I don't need him to know what I'd want to do to him. LOL, yeah, I can be a naughty girl. I'd have to plea innocence after.

Last time I wasn't even drunk and I recorded a line that will stay on tape forever...Lol, at least the band is good. But objectifying women...Oh, what happened to the feminist in me?

On another line of thought, Dylan thought he'd make a comeback. Not so much a very welcome one but an okay one. Just that I'm over him. He's on a business trip (as always) and when I saw him on msn tonight, he asked what I was doing this weekend.

I told him I had a party Saturday night and Sunday I'd be cooking and he said..."Oh, I wanted to see you Saturday night..." Huh...Is it me or "so what?!?" He says that as if he has any rights over me. Even had the nerve to tell me to write him if I changed my mind!

The nerves on that boy. To think this is what attracted me to him in the first place. He was just so cocky...now though it doesn't have the same effect on me. Sounded cheap...self-serving disgusting arrogance.

Anyways, who cares about Dylan? Can't wait to see Hank... :D The consensus was that we'd both drink...did I already mention how I couldn't wait? Thanks Obama, this party is to celebrate your victory.

I'll modify that famous sentence just for us, black people...

"It's a small step for a man but a giant step for black people."

;)

Flooded!!!

I'm not dealing with an actually flood of water, it's more like a lot of job interviews; great opportunities! Now who would've thought...Things were going great before I resigned from my current job (just my full time position but still, I have payments to make!); then I hit a dry spell. I was almost freaking out. But now that I've actually sorted what I want, it's crazy, keeps on coming. Great opportunities, great companies, great job description...did I mention, great benefits AND real good salaries (I can even ask for more than I originally wanted, I'm hot on the market, lol)???! I'm thinking I should've left my job earlier.

So I think I chose the right career. I'm tired of customer service a little, I want to be in an office in a more professional work environment than what I'm used to. I'm not saying customer service is not professional but I'm used to stores and all of that. You're really friendly with the staff and at some point, it shows in your work that you haven't been giving your best. Of course not, you were too busy chatting with your coworkers!

I like what I do; customer service with some administrative work and now it's bringing me to all administrative, that was a necessary step. Happy to have stepped to the plate! :) I'm not really stressed out anymore; I was born for that s**t! Lol, absolutely not true but I'm handling it pretty well so far. It'll seem like I'm back in publicity mode but BUT, I gotta thank Apple for that iPhone! My life savor. I have no choice but to use the agenda (mind you I only realized after that the regular touch would've done the trick).

Also Hank is just adorable, we talked on the phone last night and of course me talking too much made him miss his curfew! Lol, kidding, he had to sleep early because he's working the night shift and going to school this morning. Did I say he was adorable? And totally the kind of boy I like (up to now)? Lol, he's not necessarily a man's man but he's definitely not a metro sexual which I was scared of. A brief definition for those who don't know, a metro sexual usually dressed pretty well, takes care of himself and his appearance etc.; the type of guy who'd wear make-up if you know what I mean...Also, very much in touch with his feminine side, so much, you'd think he's gay!

Celebrity Examples:
Zac Efron
Ryan Seacrest
Jake Gyllenhaal
Ryan Reynolds
Ashton Kutcher

Now I like the ubersexual, much more manly but still sensitive. At least you don't have to wonder if he's gay or see him as too feminine.

Celebrity Examples:
Bono (U2)
George Clooney
Ewan McGregor
Pierce Brosnan
Bill Clinton

Why was I talking about this again?? LOL, back to my hectic day...

Eventful Night

Oh wow! Now something had to give! Lol, Hank and I have been text messaging all day. Where did that come from? That party that never was. So I was all ready for Saturday with a hot red top and you know...cleavage...Nadine and Stephanie were coming out to party. And if you wonder it's the name of my two girls! Lol a running gag with me and one of my girls, Kim.

Explanation is simple. We went to a party and a guy was addressing my boobs the whole night so Kim said I should've told him pointing at each of my boobs

"Hi, this is Nadine, this is Stephanie and Caroline is up here."

Lol, that was a funny party...Well back to the one of interest. It was canceled so I was very disappointed and so was Kelly. She decided we should just chill at her place. Yolanda decided she wouldn't come, she didn't feel like it. I figured since I'd planned on getting drunk I might as well go to her place and do it. Lol, it'd been a while and I'd already asked Pamela to join us for a party and felt bad for ruining her night.

We were also going to be stuck apparently with Tracey...wow, there's a lot to be said about Tracey...she's a skank. I don't very much like hanging out with her but I do every once in a while, small dosage is always okay. But she didn't wanna just chill at Kelly she wanted to see "people". With Tracey that means boys and I am not about to let her near Hank...Hell no!

Anyhow, Pamela, Kelly and I are drinking and Lee had said we could go to his place a little later, Hank and the other boys would be there so when he finally called we packed up the alcohol and headed to his place. Pamela split because she felt she was getting sick so it was just the two of us as always.

Now that was an eventful night. I drank talked to Hank quite a bit, we watched youtube videos, we had a blast. And lol, I was drunk. Been worst than that but at the end of the night when Hank came to see me as I was leaving to ask for my number 'cause he didn't have his facebook message anymore, I couldn't get the order right.

So he got my number and Kelly told me how much he was asking about me and how she told him to make a move. So it was done, he called pretty much right after we left, I was at the bank getting money for a cab to bring us back to Kelly's place. I don't drink and drive! Lol

Anyways, we were also headed to see my best friend. I'd normally say guy best friend but I no longer have a girl best friend. Pamela is more like a sister to me and Kelly could never be my best friend. Well, lol, my best friend Thomas, works 2 days night shift and 2 days day shift right downtown. We stayed for about 1h or 2 talking about high school, Tracey (we went to high school together) and a bunch of other things. Was great to see him.

And it was all back to Kelly's to spend the night, I had to take Tracey out to diner for her bday that was the past week and Kelly was starting to feel down again because of her boyfriend who she thought had a wife...Kelly is special, lol, she didn't mind the wife so much that the fact that he didn't tell her and she was developing feelings for him. If you must know he doesn't have a wife but does have a girl he wants to spend his life with and it ain't her. So she settle for an open relationship. Lol, knowing her, she'll take full advantage of that freedom soon enough. She's had some yummy boys after her...

Oh, back to Hank so he sent me texts all day Sunday, all day today and I hope it lasts! ;) Haven't talked on the phone yet though. But I like the "Hey beautiful" in the morning. One little thing, lol, when he asked if I knew his age and I replied that I wasn't sure 22-23, well he answered: "I'll be 23 in December but to me age is just a number". Oh gee, even younger than I thought...If I'd met him a couple of years ago he would've been illegal!!! LOL

Ok, well I'll stop freaking out about this. Job hunting is going GREAT!!! I have 2 interviews at great companies tomorrow, especially the second one. What a dream job. The company always makes it to the top 100 of the best employers...Hope all goes well.

Unventful Night

Great! Now that was boring. Well half boring. Still job hunting at least I don't have to worry about money. I hope, I have been spending a lot. Anyhow, I saw Hank again. Turns out either name is good. That's it, LOL, his cousin Lee, who apparently thought I was pretty cute too seemed much more sweet and/or interested than him. But let me put some order in all this, you must be lost.

So I mentioned a concert not so long ago, it was Wednesday. Turns out it's not exactly his concert it's more like Lee's and some of his friends he says he doesn't sing anymore. So let me tell you about the night play by play. I had this hot little top I wanted to wear but it turned out to be too much considering what the girls were wearing so I went for something a little more tamed. We arrived at the club (late thanks to me) and he and his friends were outside drinking.

We all say hi, he tells me I look beautiful in purple, I thank him, of course, lol. Then we all go in because the set is about to start. So, my girls were not seating with me but not far either. He was a little bit behind me but not so much in a spot where we could talk really even if we wanted to and if he'd move, he'd block the way. I didn't want to be too obvious and go sit next to him so I gave up.

Now there was this awful stroboscopic light that was just driving me nuts so I told the girls I'd change seat, Kelly followed me and Yolanda stayed with the boy she's cheating on her boyfriend with (she's a friend of Kelly mind you...lol, not mine). Anyways, I was hoping he'd come around since we weren't close to anyone but nope. Instead he was at the exact same spot and I was behind him now.

Not far enough(or maybe it's that the bar was pretty empty) but anyhow, I could see this white chick getting a little close and trying too hard. Now I don't mind white chick with black men, I've been with white men myself. Lol, this one particularly got on my nerves for 2 reasons, ok make that 3 but I'm barely admitting to the 3rd, I'd say it counted for maybe 5%...

Not only she wasn't good looking aka below average but what she chose to wear...yuck! She doesn't have a bad body and a tight dress like that she should've been able to pull it off. I know I've done it when I was a few pounds lighter like she was but please, don't do the horizontal large stripes...Please don't...Anyhow, there was that. Then her trying too hard to fit in acting like she really was into the music...I'm not saying she wasn't I'm just saying her way of showing it was whack and exaggerated. Plus she kept putting her arms around Hank's neck...mind you he didn't seem to care at all so she'd go back to her seat before going back every 10 min. or so...

Like I said, the 3rd one is what bothered me the less but the girls wanted me to go mark my territory. I am not an animal so I don't have a tendency to go piss around a man I'm into to make sure others know it's a no go. Come on...I'm too classy and I don't mind competition. Plus if he's into me, I'll get him one way or another...And that didn't take quite long...

The show is done and the boys go outside to smoke...Including Hank (yikes, that scored minus points... :( How could I forget???). Anyhow, I decide to leave my drink with Yolanda, I gotta see if I can take the opportunity to talk and get close. Especially ask that question I have in mind: "Are you the kind of boy that just asks for a girl's number and never calls? What's your deal?"

I never asked. Boy was I freezing, we'd left our jackets in the car which I said I'd go get but Kelly offered me her shawl while Hank was offering me his jacket saying a shawl wasn't good enough. Lol, Kelly seemed to be insisting I'd be fine with the shawl so I went for that. After maybe 10 min. I was freezing again, lol, the shawl wasn't enough so Hank gently put his jacket on my shoulders. Haha, the look the other girl gave me...Guess who won?...Lol

I gotta mentioned something funny. On the night I met Hank, we all went to grab something to eat, on the way back, since his cousin, Lee lives right by a club downtown well you see a lot going on. Anyhow, it's 3AM we pass right by this couple and the girl says she's cold so the guy hands her his jacket and the girl tells him he's a real gentleman. Kelly's view? Lol, she goes to me:

"You know what that means when a man gives you his jacket right?"

"No"

"Well, he wants to bend you over and f**k you from the back, that what it means! Boys don't do that nowadays!"

And she starts laughing while I almost choke (okay, I laughed too). Lol, she tells the boys (Hank and Lee) and they kind of agree...But lol we were laughing and Hank asked why and I said it was about something Kelly had said back then about a boy giving his coat to a girl and he didn't seem to remember...Hmmm...lol, good or bad?

Anyways we all ended back at Kelly's because they wanted to smoke weed, which I don't but I still like hanging out and that "girl" didn't come, she had already left...Lol, so it was cool but like I said, Lee seemed to be a lot more of a gentleman at that moment than Hank compliment me all the time. We watched part of Chris Rock "Kill the Messenger", that is just plain outrageous at times and I bet Kelly thought she should start watching herself with all this weight she's been loosing if she still wants to attract black men! LOL

Well...I think it was pretty uneventful, I didn't get to talk to Hank. The boys invited us to a party on Saturday though... :)

Crazy Flash

Whoa! It's late or early depending on your point of view. I do have to be awake to babysit at 10AM tomorrow and I keep getting terrible headaches. I was hoping I could make 60,000$ a year with 2 jobs and of course forget the boyfriend but that might not be possible. The night job I was interested in has hours that would give me a possibility for a second job but it's have to be 4 days as well. Anyhow. This very second I was going to bed. Right before I was in the bathroom. (And mind you maybe I didn't have to share that much with you but ultimatly it's in the bathroom I think the most about my life. Go figure.)

Back to the subject; my flash. So here I am in the bathroom right after I'm done reading Spellbound by Jane Green and I'm once again thinking of my future. Guess I'm obssessed with what my dreams are what they were etc. So I'm thinking well, I want an office job where I'll grow and eventually I'll start my own business. And that's when it hit me. My own business? Where the hell did that come from? Well that's what I've always wanted when I was younger. And I'll have my house, with kids even. Why not?

Just as I was telling myself I needed a great idea to start my business and maybe even go back to school and where the hell did that come from? I remembered seeing a fortune teller a couple of years back. She said a lot but among all she said, I remember her telling me I'd start my own business and that I'd meet the man of my life randomly through a friend. Now you get the whoa? I'm probably getting carried away but I did meet Robby randomly...through a friend. LOL, I remember saying she sucked because she said I'd never see or her from Dylan again and she was horribly wrong. For my past she was AMAZING though. If she was so good for the past maybe she's not so bad for the future. With my theory on time I can only believe in fortune telling. I had a tape...I oughta find it and listen to all she said. I know there was something about kids...twins...ughh! Lol

Once again..Whoa! LOL

Dreams...

Not that this is a lack of inspiration really but I'm gonna be "stealing" those drafts from my old blog "Hmmm...", finish them and post them here.  This one is from 2/26/2005

Dreams...

What are your dreams? Which mean the most to you? The ones when you're daydreaming wishing you were elsewhere? The ones you have when you're asleep at night? The ones you have about your future?

What do you dream about? What drives you? 'Cause this is what matters...A dream is nothing if you're not driven to make it a reality. I dream a lot, I wonder how much they're meaningful to me? I daydream I was a star sometimes, I don't remember most of the dreams I have when I wake up so I'll pass. And about my future...hmmm...there are sooo many. I wanna be a star (maybe), work for Pixar Studios, find the love of my life...

Hmmmm...am I really driven enough? I sometimes feel like I'm just standing here waiting for life to happen. Oh, and life is happening, it's moving forward while I stand still waiting...So what should I do? Change my dreams...It's just like letting go of someone or something you used to love. But if you're not driven, not inspired, if you can picture your life being fulfilled without it...what is it?  Did it ever really matter?

---------------------

Follow through 2008...

I had to make a section break on this because I have a very different perspective on things.  Or maybe not.  I guess my life was not going to be fulfilled if my dreams didn't come true but unfortunately after reading Radical Careering, I'm still wondering where any of that would've brought me.  Sure, it's great to be a star be on top, does that mean you're fulfilled?  When you've reached that destination isn't there still a possibility you realize you've missed something? 

Unbelievable. I wanted so many different things when I was younger. Haha, at 6 I said I'd get married and have kids by 10. When I grew up a little and became a feminist I could only deny it. So around age 8 I wanted to be a business woman with my own business. Honestly, it's just because I loved suits. Guess I'm still a little stuck in there since I'm looking for an administrative position. Around 10 I wanted to be a pro tennis player I also wanted to be a pro figure skater when I was about 7 or 8. When I turned 11, I decided I wanted to be a cop.

Crap, I had my whole life mapped in my head when I was about 14. I'd be a cop by 21 and have my daughter by 25, in-vitro if I had to. Now, I'm disillusioned by cops and didn't want kids 'til very recently. I'm still coping with the idea. I wanted to be a lawyer too. Wow, what a mess. It's never too late though. Dreams evolve, transform, make us who we are. But I'll say it again; a dream is worth nothing if you're not driven. You gotta want it.

I'm not even sure this is making any sense. I'd say I apologize in advance but this is the end so I do apologize and thank you for your patience.

Can I?

Alright, so it is passed midnight...But not so much...I was wondering if I exercised now if I could count it as exercising yesterday or if I lose a day and keep this as warming up week aka being lazy exercising only when I want to?

So I saw a really nice show tonight Nebbia by Cirque Eloize at TNM. I LOVE circus shows, there's another one I ought to see. La Vie by Les 7 doigts de la main. The 7 fingers are always a MUST!!! It's playing in Montreal at TOHU in english, one night only, November 19th...hopefully, I get good seats; I should by my tickets now... Well, see you there! I'm not gonna exercise, that's it. Getting ready for bed instead, I think...

Nope, I'll probably watch a movie... LOL

Coca Cola Shape???

I exercised yesterday, now I have to find the motivation to do it today as well. I gotta lose some weight, geez, I have sooo many sexy clothes I want to fit it again. Lol, I was checking out old pictures with one of my girls the other day and she wanted one of my hot dresses a lil' too much. It still fits but would fit a whole nicer if I weighted 20 to 30 pounds less like I used to.

A little bit of encouragement would be nice. Slim in 6 by beachbody.com is not so easy. But it's great. I'm too ashamed to post my before pictures for the moment so you'll see the before/after at the same time probably and that'd be in 6 weeks from now.

I gotta get Xenadrine and lots of motivation because if I don't do this now, I might never do it! Plus like I told myself, I'm still in my 20's so it's now or never because in my 30's it's gonna be harder and let's face it; I'm lazy.

P.S.: I feel like I'm selling a lot of products in here but no worries, lol, I am not getting a penny for all this advertising. I do it out of the goodness of my heart because I believe all of this works. Which slighly makes it more pathetic. I should ask for endorsement. LOL

Oh and if you want to take xenadrine, take my advice and stay away from the NRG formula. Nothing like the EFX worked wonders for me with a better diet or you'll crash. :)

Not Completely M.I.A.

Haha, I haven't been giving news about Robby even though I said I would. Or Hank however you want to call him. My friend kept investigating and told me he rarely has access to the net and still doesn't have his cell but he did get my number.

Alright so...F.Y.I.: It's not something I asked for or really cared to know because well, frankly I figured he knew how to reach me if he cared. Just hoping my friend didn't send a vibe like I was desperate.

She also told me he didn't want to give me his e-mail and chat on msn because he thinks it's not an interesting way of interacting with someone you care to get to know. He wants me to take him seriously.

Whoa! Lol, a little more and I would've said: I'm in LOVE!!! Lol, that was a prob I had with Kevin actually, too much msn. I have to say I didn't like his voice anyways, so he wasn't going to make it either way. Dylan is also a little too much into that whole msn. Crap...I was gonna mention another boy.

Geez, what is it with me and virtual relationships? Am I the only one with relationship that instead of evolving regress? Go from in person to the computer? I deserve more than this that's for sure. Back on the subject, more news, Hank asked his friend to ask my friend to let me know he wants me to come at his next concert on wednesday.

I kind of feel right back in high school but at the same time it's cool. He'll just have to figure out a better communication method and soon because this won't last. Plus I think I said it before but I need to get out more if I'm to meet someone.

Radical Careering

Am I in the middle of a crisis? Wouldn't even be a middle-age one, I'm only 26! So I'm reading this book by Sally Hogshead (I didn't make up her name!) Anyways, let's say, it's got me in a crazy spot right now and I'm not even done reading.

I just quit my full time job. Kept it part-time, left with tears in my eyes; I'd been working there four years. But it was a dead-end job and I have a lot of potential. Mind you with my level of education, I'm barely passed high school graduate all because I invested 16 000$ in a program I realized wasn't entirely fit for me. I LOVE music, love listening to it, love writing songs, love all the technical stuff that comes behind the scenes but it's not my calling. Not anymore. Was it ever?

Anyways, I'm looking for a job as an administrative assistant. Well, not really a job like I say...a career. Yes I know my path with most likely end up in law which used to be the plan but I'm not ready yet. Anyhow; I always thought I knew what I wanted or that I had a pretty rough idea. Turns out I don't really. Yes this is what I want right now, to be an administrative assistant and I'd be great at it. Also I need a job in the following two weeks or I'll be in deep s**t. That iPhone won't pay itself. Lol

Anyhow, why is the book making me freak out...

"Radical Truth #39
Write Your Mantra

You wake up. Roll over. As you come alive to your day ahead, what inspires you to get out of bed? Are you excited by the prospects ahead, or deadened by the drudgery of minutia on your to-do list? What kind of future are you living into? What is your purpose? The answer lies in your mantra statement.

What's a mantra statement you ask? Excellent question. You're well acquainted, of course, with a mission statement. Most mission statements use jargonic fluff to state watered-down shareholder goals on a PowerPoint slide. ("We put the Q in Quality!") A mission statement generally speaks purely to rational goals. A mantra statement, on the other hand, reveals the true, underlying purpose. A mission statement lives in your head; a mantra statement lives in both your head and soul.

Here's an old story.

Three bricklayers were working and someone asked, "What are you doing?" The first said, "I'm laying bricks." The second said, "I'm building a straight wall." But the third said, "I'm creating a cathedral for God."

Straight wall= Mission Statement

Cathedral to God= Mantra Statement

Think of your own life for a moment. What's your big picture intention? What are you doing with this one and only life of yours? For more information about mantra statements, go to www.mantra-statement.com"

This is from the book. Go buy it!!!

Anyways, back to me because it's what it's meant to be about. I'm not so excited to get out of bed! I have no mantra. Sure I have a mission statement but what for. What am I really aspiring to do and why...Well, I'm not aspiring to much, a nice house some money, a loving man (husband maybe...) I'd say that's my mission, my straight wall...What about my mantra...

And it hit me...Maybe I want kids after all, maybe I want that loving family that I was so sure I didn't care about. I want my career as a lawyer probably but I'm not sure but I think I may want that family after all.

I think this will shock of my friends, especially one who saw me displaying emotions recently and at work to top it off and now I'm stating I may actually want kids? What is happening to me???

Anyways get the book Radical Careering! I'd say read it aka get it at the public library but I think it's worth owning so I'll be going to the bookstore myself very soon.

Blast From The Past...

So here I am, crying...Not sure if it's because I'm sad, angry or happy. Heard from my long lost uncle. Okay, long lost is overkill but he's disappeared for almost 6-7 years. And today, he calls out of the blue.

I try completing this blog and one my sisters shows up in my room still on the phone asking me for a pen and paper to write his e-mail address. Grrr...that pissed me off some more. Seriously I seem to be the only one in this house feeling the way I do.

He kept contact with some people, why not us? I'll definitely have to confront him about this someday. So yeah, I'm sad for all those years he missed since so much has changed (except that I'm still kinda of the "loser" in the family). I'm angry because he's disappeared and reappeared out of the blue without an explanation. Last but not least, I'm happy because I love him and hope it's not too late to make up for lost time.

75% Bitch, 100% Single

Ouf, it's done...And I feel HORRIBLE!!! 75% bitch, could have been more but I was as nice as can be about it. What I think it made it worst; he never saw it coming. Me neither really, I was in the car on my way home and it stroked me I should do it, and fast. Like taking out a band aid. Only it's like taking it off and realizing the wound is looking kind of ugly underneath...

That was hard...nothing worse than dumping a sweet guy. Maybe he's right, he's getting punished for being a nice guy. I could have told him: "Yes, now go on and be a man!" But I didn't...couldn't be so cruel. I do like Kevin and I'm a little hurt too but he's not the guy for me. He'll end up with a bitch like my sister who will most likely boss him around. But it's all good, I think it's his destiny and he'll probably even be happy.

I had taken a book at the library that I had to bring back because it was BAD!!! "How To Dump A Guy, The Coward's Manual". Well, I am not really a coward and I thought they'd have more interesting excuses but no! I'd used them all at least once which made me realize, I had done a fair share of dumping in my life. Every way possible, from not answering phone calls to a cruel: "I don't love you and don't ever see myself loving you," to a more sweet: "I'm not ready for a relationship" etc.

It had been a while and I have to agree with Kevin, it's not like things were going badly. But we're just not compatible. I told him it wasn't right for me to want to change who he is and it didn't make sense for him to be ready to. He was not so much the clingy type but he did say he was hurt and that he was blindsided by all of it. I started thinking that I liked him and didn't want to hurt him, but liking someone isn't enough. I have to be swooped off my feet not gently lifted.

I mean, he's a great guy, actually not bad looking and all. But not my type and I don't want to force it anymore. I told him, I'd rather tell him now than later but the bad part is how he said he was thinking about where it'd be going soon...Arrrgghh, I'm a mean bitch. But like a friend said, a real bitch would've stringed him along...

So alright, I just did what I had to do and if that makes me a bitch I'll wear the badge and be proud. That's gotta be the first time I'm apologizing for being a bitch. And being a bitch would've been me posting the entire conversation here. I couldn't tell him it was partly because he was bad in bed?! If we're ever friends, I'm making it a mission to tell him. :)

Anyways, here I am, proudly wearing my new label...75% Bitch, 100% Single...

Oh, I forgot the update on Robby, well, he found me on facebook (my friend did help out the process by adding him first). But he sent me a message saying he enjoyed our talk and was wondering if I'd be interested to come to another of those get together and I of course said yes.

He left me his no. which will apparently be working this week and I gave him mine. No update so far, I'm just waiting. Wanted to send him a message to ask something though, is his name Robby (for Robert) or Hank because his name on facebook is Hank R. with his last name that I won't disclose of course. ;) Haha, although even the first name isn't the real one. Anyways, he was introduced to me as Robert.

I reserved at the library, the "He's Not That Into You" book. Here's an excerpt, thanks to my friend...Him not calling may be a case of that or he's waiting for his phone. I'll keep you posted.

Learning The Art Of Memory Repression...

Haha, I'm going to insult all the lesbians in 5-4-3-2-1...but that's how I feel after a night with Kevin...yucky. Actually worst than I thought it would be. I should have read my blog before going to his place (oh no, sorry, his parent's place, again). Horrible and I mean horrible!!! And you know what? I'm sure lesbians are much better lovers than that. That was more like a reference to how I didn't feel like I was sleeping with a man...I honestly have A LOT more fun with my vibrator.

What went wrong...oh gee...when a man(boy) can't even get the dog to obey him, you get an idea how bad it gets. And if I think about it, it's worst...28, still at his parents with no real intention of moving out it seems, no job...ouf...anyhow, lets just skip to what exactly happened; and after tonight, I'm not mentioning it again, I'm officially repressing the memory.

So Kevin was trying to be more assertive after asking me what I didn't like about him and well me spilling out the beans being as nice as possible. I limited it to not being assertive, the dressing style and not being even a lil' arrogant. All of this insinuating : BE A MAN!!! So he tried...oh man...you know when someone wants your approval so badly??? And what he doesn't like about me? I can be very intimidating and he only told me that after I said there was no way he couldn't find one bad thing about me.

For a boy (I'm officially giving up on man in his case) to admit to be intimidated by a woman is one thing (and not a good one). But to admit to it? Oh gee..that's a new low in my book. Anyways, let me just get to what exactly happen so I can start repressing. The sooner, the better.

So Kevin invited me to his parents second place that's about 1h30 drive. Bored out of my mind but in no mood to drive so much I said I'd think about it. Later on in the day that was kinda great, I'd find another job, got my bagels (lol); well I said yes. I got there and it starts already with the dog that won't shut up and that he has no authority on even after over 7 years. To top it off, this was a dog that was abused for years, usually they are intimidated quickly by humans but not by him. :S

Anyhow, he did his best, tour of the house, sitting, talking, we skipped the movie, then a little make out session...and now instead of heading to the bedroom, he tries a bubble bath(?!) ok, I'll give points for being romantic but...what???! Anyhow we finally make it to the bedroom and he can't even put a rubber on...wow!

Now, I have nothing against the same position...But that wasn't even the problem. The foreplay wasn't the problem either, it's everything else. I like to tease to create build up, I like some surprise and when it's fun and interesting. Basically, I like to tease and be teased, make the pleasure last etc.

I believe he is concentrated on results...And he can't take directions either...at least not subtle ones like moving his hands or keeping them aside so he just lets me do whatever it is I am doing. Or to understand that whatever he is doing is not working at all...No fun whatsoever, very mechanical I'd say, maybe that's what I didn't like? And it took him forever to come, not even sure he did, I just had the feeling it was lasting an eternity and I had to get out of there; fast!

My first thought when I saw how bad he was, was : "I understand why all his exes cheated on him." Ouch, mean but so true. At 28, you still haven't figured out how to make love properly? My one night stand was more enjoyable than this and I didn't like that experience, it was horrible and not like me!

Will I be the one to tell him how bad he sucked at pleasuring me in bed (and probably any woman for that matter)? Probably...I know I can't let that go. But I don't wanna have to get to show him. Eewww...no. Not again. I gave already. Plus I'm still wondering what the hell was I thinking?

I gotta take care of this mess and soon...

Oooh, La La...Age Ain't Nothing But A Number?

Hihi, I can't seem to line up any real potential boys being that this was originally the plan I failed. Although I hadn't been working on it. So there's a new one maybe even more than one if I believe my sis who says I meet the man of my life everyday. LOL I admit I've overdone it lately. But for the one's I didn't get the digits, it doesn't count, it was just purely physical attraction. Except for one...Robby.

Oh, dreamy...perfect mix of what I like. He's good looking, dresses the part, acts the part, thinks I'm hot, he's sweet...one prob, he's 23, I'm 26... :( Lol, I had to find something wrong with the boy now. No? I met him at a get together for a friend's anniversary. Some friend invited her to go chillin' at his place and she said yes. So we were 3 girls, 4 boys but it wasn't like they called for booty.

Robby kinda caught my attention from the very first moment I saw him and things got better after. I was sitting and he sat besides me and we stroked a conversation. One of the first thing he pointed out was how much I must intimidate boy with my attitude because I seem so self confident. Wow, that scored points, lol, so we talked about computers because that's what he studies in and some other things.

I could tell I liked him. Lol, when my friend came back around, I asked his age but she had no clue. Lol, I left a couple of min. and she came back with an answer and even more. Lol, 2 boys were interested in me but one had a girlfriend already anyways and from the look I gave them when asked if I'd date a younger boy, the message got through.

Once again, when I left for a few minutes, there was more talk like Robby telling my friend to put in a word for him after she said I wasn't the kinda girl she'd set up with a boy who just wants sex. He said age didn't matter to him. Out of the 3 girls, 2 of us left and the last one said after we left while they thought she was sleeping, Robby was still talking about me...well, I'd left without giving him my number or getting his but my friend promised to find a way to bring my number to him.

You've Been A Bad Bad Girl...

So I'm turning into a terrible person. I've known I wanted to dump Kevin for how long? And yet I'm still around...Worst if you look at the title. No it doesn't involve anything very naughty really but still with me it almost is. I'm leading on the poor boy because I'm not sure he could handle it.

Although I secretly hope he takes it badly so that I can finally see him as a man. Yeah, I'm guilty of going for the typical Alpha Male. But you know what? I'm looking for someone in between. Lately I know Kevin's got sex in mind and I don't blame him, we've seen each other a couple of times. Sparks were flying...I did play the tease a little often...

Oh, I'm horrible. But I also want a boyfriend not just a booty call friend. Plus I don't even think the sex would be good. Been far less than impressed so far. To add to it he can't even get pity sex because I promised myself that since I hadn't respected my promise of my first boy being the love of my life well, second was to be. That didn't work out well either, the second was a one night stand...third, haha should have been the second but complicated story but anyways he was just a friend with benefits. That I am surprisingly still friends with. Finally 4th was a wanna be one night/friend with benefits who ended up being a bad boyfriend(Lionel). Who I gotta say was back for half a sec but that's another story.

So now since 5 fingers close a hand and I'm anything but promiscuous; well I decided no.5 would be special and nothing rush. He's out of luck. But I'll tell him soon that I can't picture him as more than a friend. He'll take it badly like almost any other guy and I'll move on. Just too bad. LOL, next post gives more of an explanation as to why I'm sure there's no hope.

On The Way To The Dumpster

I had totally lost my password and that combined to laziness= no posts! A whole lot happened and I didn't get to write. To resume it all, since the last post that was referring to an amazing time with that sweet boy Kevin, ending in the Dumpee's list, it didn't work out.

The amazing date I had with Kevin wasn't all good at first and then was wonderful, involving a walk in the park, staring at the stars and kissing...how romantic. Now switch over, different setting, movies at his place (or mama's), things going a little fast, him being a gentleman respecting my decision.

Being ADORABLE by correcting every little habits that drive me nuts, don't even have to say it twice. Any of my ex would've told me to quit bugging with stupid things. Once again, AMAZING...although...oh well, I would've skipped the going to his room part altogether but I'm a big girl.

Fast forward last date...45 min. late is never good. An excuse like being all the way across town because you couldn't say no to a friend doesn't fly...I had left, not sure why I went back but anyways, movies again, his place, the room...definitely nothing with me still pissed. Even regressed!

And now well, it's simple. I need a man. Harsh but true, I don't see him as a man. Plus I realize I haven't heard from him in a couple of days; not that I care or I would've made the first step but still. The girl was pissed last time you had a date, get a clue. But no, like any typical guy he takes the easy way out and assumed I cooled off. I did but he's on the dumpee's list that's why.

I did learn something great though...I'm not giving up on sweet guys but they need a backbone because I can't see Kevin anymore if I were to, I'd make him my bitch and I don't need that. I need a MAN!!! LOL, ouch but yeah, I speak my mind...I'm lining up some more boys, Once I pick the worthy ones from the bunch, I'll give you the names and updates.

Comment Worthy

I'm making a post instead of putting it in my links because first, I didn't get to read the whole blog, just this one post and second, well, I want comments. I say check out the link to Sweet Guys Finish Last It's worth it.

As for "my" sweet guy, Kevin...sparks are flying and I'm about to classify him : "too good to be true." Anyways, about how they say sweet (nice) guy's finish last well, I reply that the last one will eventually be first. I had a great time last night, but I'll leave that for tomorrow's post. ;)

Fooled a Lot More Than Twice

My day was horrible to say the least! For starters, Dylan did not apologize and didn't say anything! :( Ok, to make a long story short since last November we're suppose to have a small road trip listening to the new album of our favorite band. Things are going pretty good with Kevin so far but yet I still had to explore the Dylan situation and maybe get closure.

I offered to take advantage of my vacations to go and no news so I asked him. He offered Thursday but around 10-11pm. Now my friend's Kelly and Kim had their 2 cents but it pretty much came to the same...Too late and he's expecting more than a lil' road trip.

I've never had sex with him...He had an amazing chance in February but kinda turned it down. I'm left to wonder. Online he's constantly flirting, when we meet he's totally different. Anyways, Thursday he shows up online at 12 am and tells me he just arrived from a trip. No excuses besides that and no apologies.

I thought the offline messages I'd left would make him feel bad and apologies but nope. Instead he tells me he'd like to have dinner with me just minutes before 12pm. And then he's so dying of hunger can't wait. I live on the opposite side from he lives and he invites me for diner when he's dying of hunger. Needless to say, we didn't go.

Anyways Saturday= movie night at Kevin's place...Just hoping he's not ready for more yet. We've kissed and it was really cool. I'm hoping he doesn't want more action too soon. LOL, keep you posted.

Oh geez...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

Shame on You if You Fool Me Once...

Shame on me if you fool me twice. Ever heard that one? I've been fooled more than twice by Dylan. His latest stunt is kinda complicated. I'll get to it later today when I'll probably have some news. One thing's for sure, he'll start to apologize. ;)

Books Are Brain Food...Pig Out!!!

Hihi, it's written on a poster I'd given to my sis who's now married been about a month. And my other sis has a living bf of maybe 5 years they have a son that will be 2 years old soon and they just bought a house. Out of 3 girls, I'm so far the loser or the one that scares the shit out of men. And yet at my sis' wedding I heard how people where praising my dad for having such beautiful and intelligent daughters. Alright, if we are so hot and have that rep how come I'm still single?

Oh, right, maybe because I broke an unwritten rule and dated white. More than once. But who cares, really? I don't. I've been with an Arab which I think almost gave a heart attack to some. I say whatever. I just want a guy who'll treat me right and I'll return the favor (lol, I can be a sweetheart at times).

So back to my post...books. I'm reading a couple...Just done with one but it' all french never been translated. They compare the last character of the author's to Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw mixed with Bridget Jones. I was a little disappointed but still laughed. Her first 3 novels where better. For those who can understand french the author is Isabelle Alexis. She'll make you want to start apero-debriefing nights. What's that? The girls meeting around a bottle of wine to dish out on the latest stupidity they came up with and trying to find solution quick!

Also reading: I Used To Miss Him but My Aim is Improving, Not Your Ordinary Breakup Survival Guide. Bought it for a friend, then had another friend buy it. Ok, didn't turn out extremely good for either one of them or sort of but they enjoyed the book a lot. Plus I'm desperate to get over Dylan. I'll do all it takes.

Another french book: "Petit guide de la femme seule. Comment apprivoiser(barré) trouver un homme." "Little Handbook of the Single Woman. How To Tame(crossed) Find a man." So far, so good. Along the lines of the book mentioned earlier.

And last but not least: It's Not You, It's Him The Zero-Tolerance Approach to Dating. By a Doctor to top it off. Dr. Georgia Witkin. Maybe I'm not so crazy after all.

So back to my books, I'll let you know if they were worthy and how my search for love is going. And yes, I know I eventually want everything to make sense but that's a different book and a different post. ;)

And Another One...

Ok, I'm starting a new blog. This whole new google thing kinda messed up my old blog because my old blog is now linked to my friend's fictional novel that I'm helping out with. Yup, for you who get this link from novel write, even with two people thinking up a story it ain't going nowhere. But I'm just a writer, not so much a treasure of ideas.

So this is a new start for me. I'll eventually dig to come up with the address from the last blog but it's more of the same...Can a messed up girl like me find love? That is pretty much the question I am asking to anyone who bothers to listen. I've been single for about 3 years and a half and been practicing celibacy for almost 2 of them. I'm going ridiculously nuts as if I wasn't to start with.

I'll make a long story short and introduce you to the men in my life (some aren't anymore and some aren't really but anyways). In a chronological order...

1st Dylan: First real love. Still intense to this very day, still destructive and hurtful. Been over for almost 7 years. Has a tendency of popping up when I'm ready to move on. I think he has an amazing sixth sense when it comes to me and making my life miserable but I can't let him go...EXTREMELY IMMATURE but oh so charming and sexy...to me that is.

2nd Kevin: Hmmm...just met on the net...Well just me for real actually, talked online for a couple of months I think. Just kissed the other day. Likes to speak his mind and be straightforward like me, or so he says. Takes criticism like a man so far. :) Kinda interesting but I'm good at finding something wrong with every boy. I'll get back to him.

3rd Edouard: Sexy, sexy boy. Met online, never in person and I'm not interested. Just have to find a way to tell him now. I thought he got the message since I was not returning his calls but he called back yesterday after about a week. Grrr...he won't like it too much if I'm straight up but that's me. I need an exit plan that's almost nice(I don't do nice). I'll probably write.

4th Lionel: Been out of my life for maybe a year or more...Good riddance. Ex who refused to respect the boundaries of a platonic relationship. I won't even go there. Hurt me really bad but not nearly as much as Dylan. Dunno why I bother mentioning Lionel. Chances I let him near my life again: slim to none.

Others are insignificant for now and I will mention them only if they become of interest. How many of you think I'm a bitch so far? Raise your hand up. Although, I can't see and couldn't care any less.

Well for those who really care about the 411, here's the old blog that turned personal around February 2005. My breakup! ;) http://new-improved.blogspot.com