Dreams...

Not that this is a lack of inspiration really but I'm gonna be "stealing" those drafts from my old blog "Hmmm...", finish them and post them here.  This one is from 2/26/2005

Dreams...

What are your dreams? Which mean the most to you? The ones when you're daydreaming wishing you were elsewhere? The ones you have when you're asleep at night? The ones you have about your future?

What do you dream about? What drives you? 'Cause this is what matters...A dream is nothing if you're not driven to make it a reality. I dream a lot, I wonder how much they're meaningful to me? I daydream I was a star sometimes, I don't remember most of the dreams I have when I wake up so I'll pass. And about my future...hmmm...there are sooo many. I wanna be a star (maybe), work for Pixar Studios, find the love of my life...

Hmmmm...am I really driven enough? I sometimes feel like I'm just standing here waiting for life to happen. Oh, and life is happening, it's moving forward while I stand still waiting...So what should I do? Change my dreams...It's just like letting go of someone or something you used to love. But if you're not driven, not inspired, if you can picture your life being fulfilled without it...what is it?  Did it ever really matter?

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Follow through 2008...

I had to make a section break on this because I have a very different perspective on things.  Or maybe not.  I guess my life was not going to be fulfilled if my dreams didn't come true but unfortunately after reading Radical Careering, I'm still wondering where any of that would've brought me.  Sure, it's great to be a star be on top, does that mean you're fulfilled?  When you've reached that destination isn't there still a possibility you realize you've missed something? 

Unbelievable. I wanted so many different things when I was younger. Haha, at 6 I said I'd get married and have kids by 10. When I grew up a little and became a feminist I could only deny it. So around age 8 I wanted to be a business woman with my own business. Honestly, it's just because I loved suits. Guess I'm still a little stuck in there since I'm looking for an administrative position. Around 10 I wanted to be a pro tennis player I also wanted to be a pro figure skater when I was about 7 or 8. When I turned 11, I decided I wanted to be a cop.

Crap, I had my whole life mapped in my head when I was about 14. I'd be a cop by 21 and have my daughter by 25, in-vitro if I had to. Now, I'm disillusioned by cops and didn't want kids 'til very recently. I'm still coping with the idea. I wanted to be a lawyer too. Wow, what a mess. It's never too late though. Dreams evolve, transform, make us who we are. But I'll say it again; a dream is worth nothing if you're not driven. You gotta want it.

I'm not even sure this is making any sense. I'd say I apologize in advance but this is the end so I do apologize and thank you for your patience.

Can I?

Alright, so it is passed midnight...But not so much...I was wondering if I exercised now if I could count it as exercising yesterday or if I lose a day and keep this as warming up week aka being lazy exercising only when I want to?

So I saw a really nice show tonight Nebbia by Cirque Eloize at TNM. I LOVE circus shows, there's another one I ought to see. La Vie by Les 7 doigts de la main. The 7 fingers are always a MUST!!! It's playing in Montreal at TOHU in english, one night only, November 19th...hopefully, I get good seats; I should by my tickets now... Well, see you there! I'm not gonna exercise, that's it. Getting ready for bed instead, I think...

Nope, I'll probably watch a movie... LOL

Coca Cola Shape???

I exercised yesterday, now I have to find the motivation to do it today as well. I gotta lose some weight, geez, I have sooo many sexy clothes I want to fit it again. Lol, I was checking out old pictures with one of my girls the other day and she wanted one of my hot dresses a lil' too much. It still fits but would fit a whole nicer if I weighted 20 to 30 pounds less like I used to.

A little bit of encouragement would be nice. Slim in 6 by beachbody.com is not so easy. But it's great. I'm too ashamed to post my before pictures for the moment so you'll see the before/after at the same time probably and that'd be in 6 weeks from now.

I gotta get Xenadrine and lots of motivation because if I don't do this now, I might never do it! Plus like I told myself, I'm still in my 20's so it's now or never because in my 30's it's gonna be harder and let's face it; I'm lazy.

P.S.: I feel like I'm selling a lot of products in here but no worries, lol, I am not getting a penny for all this advertising. I do it out of the goodness of my heart because I believe all of this works. Which slighly makes it more pathetic. I should ask for endorsement. LOL

Oh and if you want to take xenadrine, take my advice and stay away from the NRG formula. Nothing like the EFX worked wonders for me with a better diet or you'll crash. :)

Not Completely M.I.A.

Haha, I haven't been giving news about Robby even though I said I would. Or Hank however you want to call him. My friend kept investigating and told me he rarely has access to the net and still doesn't have his cell but he did get my number.

Alright so...F.Y.I.: It's not something I asked for or really cared to know because well, frankly I figured he knew how to reach me if he cared. Just hoping my friend didn't send a vibe like I was desperate.

She also told me he didn't want to give me his e-mail and chat on msn because he thinks it's not an interesting way of interacting with someone you care to get to know. He wants me to take him seriously.

Whoa! Lol, a little more and I would've said: I'm in LOVE!!! Lol, that was a prob I had with Kevin actually, too much msn. I have to say I didn't like his voice anyways, so he wasn't going to make it either way. Dylan is also a little too much into that whole msn. Crap...I was gonna mention another boy.

Geez, what is it with me and virtual relationships? Am I the only one with relationship that instead of evolving regress? Go from in person to the computer? I deserve more than this that's for sure. Back on the subject, more news, Hank asked his friend to ask my friend to let me know he wants me to come at his next concert on wednesday.

I kind of feel right back in high school but at the same time it's cool. He'll just have to figure out a better communication method and soon because this won't last. Plus I think I said it before but I need to get out more if I'm to meet someone.

Radical Careering

Am I in the middle of a crisis? Wouldn't even be a middle-age one, I'm only 26! So I'm reading this book by Sally Hogshead (I didn't make up her name!) Anyways, let's say, it's got me in a crazy spot right now and I'm not even done reading.

I just quit my full time job. Kept it part-time, left with tears in my eyes; I'd been working there four years. But it was a dead-end job and I have a lot of potential. Mind you with my level of education, I'm barely passed high school graduate all because I invested 16 000$ in a program I realized wasn't entirely fit for me. I LOVE music, love listening to it, love writing songs, love all the technical stuff that comes behind the scenes but it's not my calling. Not anymore. Was it ever?

Anyways, I'm looking for a job as an administrative assistant. Well, not really a job like I say...a career. Yes I know my path with most likely end up in law which used to be the plan but I'm not ready yet. Anyhow; I always thought I knew what I wanted or that I had a pretty rough idea. Turns out I don't really. Yes this is what I want right now, to be an administrative assistant and I'd be great at it. Also I need a job in the following two weeks or I'll be in deep s**t. That iPhone won't pay itself. Lol

Anyhow, why is the book making me freak out...

"Radical Truth #39
Write Your Mantra

You wake up. Roll over. As you come alive to your day ahead, what inspires you to get out of bed? Are you excited by the prospects ahead, or deadened by the drudgery of minutia on your to-do list? What kind of future are you living into? What is your purpose? The answer lies in your mantra statement.

What's a mantra statement you ask? Excellent question. You're well acquainted, of course, with a mission statement. Most mission statements use jargonic fluff to state watered-down shareholder goals on a PowerPoint slide. ("We put the Q in Quality!") A mission statement generally speaks purely to rational goals. A mantra statement, on the other hand, reveals the true, underlying purpose. A mission statement lives in your head; a mantra statement lives in both your head and soul.

Here's an old story.

Three bricklayers were working and someone asked, "What are you doing?" The first said, "I'm laying bricks." The second said, "I'm building a straight wall." But the third said, "I'm creating a cathedral for God."

Straight wall= Mission Statement

Cathedral to God= Mantra Statement

Think of your own life for a moment. What's your big picture intention? What are you doing with this one and only life of yours? For more information about mantra statements, go to www.mantra-statement.com"

This is from the book. Go buy it!!!

Anyways, back to me because it's what it's meant to be about. I'm not so excited to get out of bed! I have no mantra. Sure I have a mission statement but what for. What am I really aspiring to do and why...Well, I'm not aspiring to much, a nice house some money, a loving man (husband maybe...) I'd say that's my mission, my straight wall...What about my mantra...

And it hit me...Maybe I want kids after all, maybe I want that loving family that I was so sure I didn't care about. I want my career as a lawyer probably but I'm not sure but I think I may want that family after all.

I think this will shock of my friends, especially one who saw me displaying emotions recently and at work to top it off and now I'm stating I may actually want kids? What is happening to me???

Anyways get the book Radical Careering! I'd say read it aka get it at the public library but I think it's worth owning so I'll be going to the bookstore myself very soon.

Blast From The Past...

So here I am, crying...Not sure if it's because I'm sad, angry or happy. Heard from my long lost uncle. Okay, long lost is overkill but he's disappeared for almost 6-7 years. And today, he calls out of the blue.

I try completing this blog and one my sisters shows up in my room still on the phone asking me for a pen and paper to write his e-mail address. Grrr...that pissed me off some more. Seriously I seem to be the only one in this house feeling the way I do.

He kept contact with some people, why not us? I'll definitely have to confront him about this someday. So yeah, I'm sad for all those years he missed since so much has changed (except that I'm still kinda of the "loser" in the family). I'm angry because he's disappeared and reappeared out of the blue without an explanation. Last but not least, I'm happy because I love him and hope it's not too late to make up for lost time.

75% Bitch, 100% Single

Ouf, it's done...And I feel HORRIBLE!!! 75% bitch, could have been more but I was as nice as can be about it. What I think it made it worst; he never saw it coming. Me neither really, I was in the car on my way home and it stroked me I should do it, and fast. Like taking out a band aid. Only it's like taking it off and realizing the wound is looking kind of ugly underneath...

That was hard...nothing worse than dumping a sweet guy. Maybe he's right, he's getting punished for being a nice guy. I could have told him: "Yes, now go on and be a man!" But I didn't...couldn't be so cruel. I do like Kevin and I'm a little hurt too but he's not the guy for me. He'll end up with a bitch like my sister who will most likely boss him around. But it's all good, I think it's his destiny and he'll probably even be happy.

I had taken a book at the library that I had to bring back because it was BAD!!! "How To Dump A Guy, The Coward's Manual". Well, I am not really a coward and I thought they'd have more interesting excuses but no! I'd used them all at least once which made me realize, I had done a fair share of dumping in my life. Every way possible, from not answering phone calls to a cruel: "I don't love you and don't ever see myself loving you," to a more sweet: "I'm not ready for a relationship" etc.

It had been a while and I have to agree with Kevin, it's not like things were going badly. But we're just not compatible. I told him it wasn't right for me to want to change who he is and it didn't make sense for him to be ready to. He was not so much the clingy type but he did say he was hurt and that he was blindsided by all of it. I started thinking that I liked him and didn't want to hurt him, but liking someone isn't enough. I have to be swooped off my feet not gently lifted.

I mean, he's a great guy, actually not bad looking and all. But not my type and I don't want to force it anymore. I told him, I'd rather tell him now than later but the bad part is how he said he was thinking about where it'd be going soon...Arrrgghh, I'm a mean bitch. But like a friend said, a real bitch would've stringed him along...

So alright, I just did what I had to do and if that makes me a bitch I'll wear the badge and be proud. That's gotta be the first time I'm apologizing for being a bitch. And being a bitch would've been me posting the entire conversation here. I couldn't tell him it was partly because he was bad in bed?! If we're ever friends, I'm making it a mission to tell him. :)

Anyways, here I am, proudly wearing my new label...75% Bitch, 100% Single...

Oh, I forgot the update on Robby, well, he found me on facebook (my friend did help out the process by adding him first). But he sent me a message saying he enjoyed our talk and was wondering if I'd be interested to come to another of those get together and I of course said yes.

He left me his no. which will apparently be working this week and I gave him mine. No update so far, I'm just waiting. Wanted to send him a message to ask something though, is his name Robby (for Robert) or Hank because his name on facebook is Hank R. with his last name that I won't disclose of course. ;) Haha, although even the first name isn't the real one. Anyways, he was introduced to me as Robert.

I reserved at the library, the "He's Not That Into You" book. Here's an excerpt, thanks to my friend...Him not calling may be a case of that or he's waiting for his phone. I'll keep you posted.

Learning The Art Of Memory Repression...

Haha, I'm going to insult all the lesbians in 5-4-3-2-1...but that's how I feel after a night with Kevin...yucky. Actually worst than I thought it would be. I should have read my blog before going to his place (oh no, sorry, his parent's place, again). Horrible and I mean horrible!!! And you know what? I'm sure lesbians are much better lovers than that. That was more like a reference to how I didn't feel like I was sleeping with a man...I honestly have A LOT more fun with my vibrator.

What went wrong...oh gee...when a man(boy) can't even get the dog to obey him, you get an idea how bad it gets. And if I think about it, it's worst...28, still at his parents with no real intention of moving out it seems, no job...ouf...anyhow, lets just skip to what exactly happened; and after tonight, I'm not mentioning it again, I'm officially repressing the memory.

So Kevin was trying to be more assertive after asking me what I didn't like about him and well me spilling out the beans being as nice as possible. I limited it to not being assertive, the dressing style and not being even a lil' arrogant. All of this insinuating : BE A MAN!!! So he tried...oh man...you know when someone wants your approval so badly??? And what he doesn't like about me? I can be very intimidating and he only told me that after I said there was no way he couldn't find one bad thing about me.

For a boy (I'm officially giving up on man in his case) to admit to be intimidated by a woman is one thing (and not a good one). But to admit to it? Oh gee..that's a new low in my book. Anyways, let me just get to what exactly happen so I can start repressing. The sooner, the better.

So Kevin invited me to his parents second place that's about 1h30 drive. Bored out of my mind but in no mood to drive so much I said I'd think about it. Later on in the day that was kinda great, I'd find another job, got my bagels (lol); well I said yes. I got there and it starts already with the dog that won't shut up and that he has no authority on even after over 7 years. To top it off, this was a dog that was abused for years, usually they are intimidated quickly by humans but not by him. :S

Anyhow, he did his best, tour of the house, sitting, talking, we skipped the movie, then a little make out session...and now instead of heading to the bedroom, he tries a bubble bath(?!) ok, I'll give points for being romantic but...what???! Anyhow we finally make it to the bedroom and he can't even put a rubber on...wow!

Now, I have nothing against the same position...But that wasn't even the problem. The foreplay wasn't the problem either, it's everything else. I like to tease to create build up, I like some surprise and when it's fun and interesting. Basically, I like to tease and be teased, make the pleasure last etc.

I believe he is concentrated on results...And he can't take directions either...at least not subtle ones like moving his hands or keeping them aside so he just lets me do whatever it is I am doing. Or to understand that whatever he is doing is not working at all...No fun whatsoever, very mechanical I'd say, maybe that's what I didn't like? And it took him forever to come, not even sure he did, I just had the feeling it was lasting an eternity and I had to get out of there; fast!

My first thought when I saw how bad he was, was : "I understand why all his exes cheated on him." Ouch, mean but so true. At 28, you still haven't figured out how to make love properly? My one night stand was more enjoyable than this and I didn't like that experience, it was horrible and not like me!

Will I be the one to tell him how bad he sucked at pleasuring me in bed (and probably any woman for that matter)? Probably...I know I can't let that go. But I don't wanna have to get to show him. Eewww...no. Not again. I gave already. Plus I'm still wondering what the hell was I thinking?

I gotta take care of this mess and soon...

Oooh, La La...Age Ain't Nothing But A Number?

Hihi, I can't seem to line up any real potential boys being that this was originally the plan I failed. Although I hadn't been working on it. So there's a new one maybe even more than one if I believe my sis who says I meet the man of my life everyday. LOL I admit I've overdone it lately. But for the one's I didn't get the digits, it doesn't count, it was just purely physical attraction. Except for one...Robby.

Oh, dreamy...perfect mix of what I like. He's good looking, dresses the part, acts the part, thinks I'm hot, he's sweet...one prob, he's 23, I'm 26... :( Lol, I had to find something wrong with the boy now. No? I met him at a get together for a friend's anniversary. Some friend invited her to go chillin' at his place and she said yes. So we were 3 girls, 4 boys but it wasn't like they called for booty.

Robby kinda caught my attention from the very first moment I saw him and things got better after. I was sitting and he sat besides me and we stroked a conversation. One of the first thing he pointed out was how much I must intimidate boy with my attitude because I seem so self confident. Wow, that scored points, lol, so we talked about computers because that's what he studies in and some other things.

I could tell I liked him. Lol, when my friend came back around, I asked his age but she had no clue. Lol, I left a couple of min. and she came back with an answer and even more. Lol, 2 boys were interested in me but one had a girlfriend already anyways and from the look I gave them when asked if I'd date a younger boy, the message got through.

Once again, when I left for a few minutes, there was more talk like Robby telling my friend to put in a word for him after she said I wasn't the kinda girl she'd set up with a boy who just wants sex. He said age didn't matter to him. Out of the 3 girls, 2 of us left and the last one said after we left while they thought she was sleeping, Robby was still talking about me...well, I'd left without giving him my number or getting his but my friend promised to find a way to bring my number to him.

You've Been A Bad Bad Girl...

So I'm turning into a terrible person. I've known I wanted to dump Kevin for how long? And yet I'm still around...Worst if you look at the title. No it doesn't involve anything very naughty really but still with me it almost is. I'm leading on the poor boy because I'm not sure he could handle it.

Although I secretly hope he takes it badly so that I can finally see him as a man. Yeah, I'm guilty of going for the typical Alpha Male. But you know what? I'm looking for someone in between. Lately I know Kevin's got sex in mind and I don't blame him, we've seen each other a couple of times. Sparks were flying...I did play the tease a little often...

Oh, I'm horrible. But I also want a boyfriend not just a booty call friend. Plus I don't even think the sex would be good. Been far less than impressed so far. To add to it he can't even get pity sex because I promised myself that since I hadn't respected my promise of my first boy being the love of my life well, second was to be. That didn't work out well either, the second was a one night stand...third, haha should have been the second but complicated story but anyways he was just a friend with benefits. That I am surprisingly still friends with. Finally 4th was a wanna be one night/friend with benefits who ended up being a bad boyfriend(Lionel). Who I gotta say was back for half a sec but that's another story.

So now since 5 fingers close a hand and I'm anything but promiscuous; well I decided no.5 would be special and nothing rush. He's out of luck. But I'll tell him soon that I can't picture him as more than a friend. He'll take it badly like almost any other guy and I'll move on. Just too bad. LOL, next post gives more of an explanation as to why I'm sure there's no hope.