Caught Up!!!

Wow, I haven't taken any time to update this blog. Why? Not so sure. Maybe because too much is happening and my brain can't seem to quite focus.


I need therapy...yeah, I've been trying to avoid it but hell, I'm not sure how I can really. Things are not going too bad. I have a great boyfriend (minus all the fighting but it's good now); a great job; bright future.

I'm still not sure what I want though. I am moving with my boyfriend next year. We've already bought some of the furnitures. That's a crazy move. My longest relationship if you stretch it out was 6 months!!! Yikes.

So of course, I'm kind of freaking out. But he remains calm, which helps a great deal. Anyhow, that's another story. I want to start my own business, I want to study in law and eventually become a lawyer. Wow, that's a lot. With more payments on the way. I shall freak out!!! Lol

So I'm caught up in my thoughts, my feelings, my memories. Time is driving me nuts. Lately I can't get enough of Hank. I have to be with him almost every night. Plus I lost my iPhone and we couldn't even communicate at some point.

Getting a new cell today! Finally! The punch is...it is not an iPhone!!!

I kinda got tired of the hype. Especially when they told me the price without a contract because I'm only one year into mine. 600$ plus about 80$ a month. Are you crazy?

Luckily, I ended up getting a great deal for them to apologize for an horrible service. Anyhow, those are my updates. For now. I have more to write like my journey with my natural hair etc.

Stay tune, I'm making an effort!!! (About time!) Hihi, and thanks for reading. Very appreciated.

Roses Are Red...

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet;
And so are you

I don't think a day goes by that I don't think of how lucky I am to have found you. I am happy to have you in my life; I don't know what more I could ask for. We rarely argue but even when we do love is always stronger than pride and we always kiss and make up. I was secretely hoping the day would come when I'd meet the love of my life but at the same time, I'm not sure I never really believed.

In all the ways that matter, you are exactly how I imagined you would be. In all the ways that don't really matter, you are more than I imagined you would be. And finally in all the ways that don't matter at all, well, since you couldn't be perfect, you are not quite what I imagined!

I love you baby, forever and always.

This is a message to my love. You guys get to read it before he does... I can never seem to get enough of him and I'm even abandonning my blogs!!! Lol, but I'm back. I know his intention was not for me to be weirded out because I had given him the address. Plus I trust him not to read it without telling me. Because we are so open with one another, our relationship is doing great.

Six months in about two weeks. What's to say? Well, we are all in the positive. :) Only one major arguement that could have led the relationship to an end but it was mostly misunderstandings, poor communication etc. We've grown past it and we're stronger. I can't get enough of him either! Lol

I on the path to becoming a bouddhist, maybe. It is hard...I know I've always wanted it but with all I know now...I don't know, it's not easy. Because bouddhism is a lot about meditation, I should get started. This way I would without a doubt know if this is right for me. I mean, I use to meditate a lot in the past. It's never hurt anyone, has it?

Until next time...

Looking for Peace

So I figured maybe I should write a post...Maybe it would help. I also figured maybe I should cry...Stop pretending to be so damn strong...Yesterday I cried...Didn't want Robert seeing me like this. It's just something he said...I am not perfect; far from it. I am a very insecure person at times because of my past and my constant fear to love. The day before yesterday, Rob and I had a talk. I've been trying to stop biting my nails, I know he doesn't like it and I've been meaning to clean up my room so I can finally let him in.

But there it's like he sounded like my mom. To top it off came up with one of the stereotypes I can't stand the most which is that I'm a girl...Huh...so what? To add to it, well, I'm black so...whatever, didn't sit too well with me and I didn't want it to be an issue later on because I may try for my nails but I'm not sure of my success rate. My room will come around slowly if I don't feel any pressure. But that's enough to make me feel insecure. I'm scared of failure, those failure to me would equal letting him down and that I don't want to do. :(

I sometimes feel like he's trying to cure me of all those little bad habits I have and I love that he's doing that but unfortunately, it's deep down into me. Perfectionism, my obsessive compulsive personality...Just giving me food is complicated. I also like to check what I'm being told, not that I think he's full of bull but when I'm always told something and then I'm told otherwise, I'll look it up. He seems to think it's because I doubt him.

I don't know, right there, he seemed annoyed/mad and I asked him what was wrong and he said I kept finding something wrong in all he does. That was a little more than I could handle...He left me alone for a few minutes; we were at Kelly and she was in the kitchen with her new man, okay, not quite her man yet, but I hope he will be. She deserves a guy like him. Anyhow, I wanted to cry and the bathroom is in the kitchen so I waited for everyone to come back and I went in there.

He came to get me because I told them to start the movie without me. I couldn't go back in the living room the way I was. So he saw me cry...Makes it worst. Like I told him, I don't want him feeling like he can't tell me how he feels because I'll end up crying...That's not me. I want the communication to work.

Only there's one thing I realize...I may be insecure and it all has to do with my past but there's more...A lot more.and I don't know what to do, how to deal with it. Maybe because I never had, really. I just buried it inside and mention it sometimes like I was over it but I'm not.

It's been four years...February 2005...it coincides with my break-up to Lionel. His picture is on my computer but I never cared to see him. I just didn't even think about deleting them, forgot about them because he wasn't on my mind and definitely not in my heart. But the day before yesterday, I looked for his picture (long story) but anyways...had a weird effect on me. I know Robert saw it too but he seemed to think I was not indifferent to Lionel and that's not what it was...

Lionel and I are long over and I would NEVER want to get back together and feel anything more than pity or resentment towards him (and I'm not a fan of the use of never especially not capitalized but this time it's well worth it). Sad truth is I don't even resent him...I resent myself. It's with myself I didn't make peace. No need to look it up my old posts, I never mentioned it I believe. It's not what I did to have him break up with me that I'm dealing with. It's what he did not long after the breakup. And how he led me to believe it was my fault and I fell for it. How I never forgave myself.

This is so hard for me...I'm crying and I can barely stop, I spent a great deal of my sleep time with nightmares, reliving that day. Either being back in that same spot with him on top of me or looking at the scene from a distance wondering what happened and why I wasn't stronger...Why I didn't stop it...Actually, I never really mentioned anything on my blog...well not that one or the preceding one...The break-up was in another blog of mine but anyhow. Actually, I may have deleted those posts even...

Anyhow, I'll get back to making peace. Lionel and I came to an end right before Valentine's Day 2005...I kinda made sure of that, I wanted the relationship to end. Since he broke it off, I said I would go get my things right before Valentine's Day and have a single girls evening with my friend and I had to get my stuff back. He refused. Pretty much said he still expected us to spend Valentine's together and that I could only have my things back on the 15th because he had plans the 2 days before when I could've gotten my things.

He was lying of course and did end up telling me I'd spend Valentine's with him or would not celebrate at all...What an horrible evening...Between crying and trying to eat, discussing our relationship for the first time like adults, his sister visiting with her boyfriend...The card I had given him...I couldn't take it anymore and was glad to get out when it was over. We'd stay friends we said...

Yeah, let's talk about his idea of being friends because it definitely wasn't mine. Got to his place to spend an afternoon, about a week after the break-up; I had plans later I think. It was a hot summer day so I had one of my mini skirts on and a cute T-shirt. I never fully understood what happened until reading an article in Cosmo. Now I will advise everyone to go read the article by clicking on that link. There was no alcohol involved in my case though, and I clearly said no...More than once...maybe not as strongly after the first two times but I did...This is what I meant in the post "Closure" when I said he wouldn't respect my "no".

I have to make peace, I have to tell the story...I arrived at his place and we were talking and things were cool. I'd told Lionel already that I'm not so much for friends with benefits and if it's over, I don't see the point of still being intimate with one another. I don't quite recall all the events and exactly how it happened. I didn't try seducing him, that much I know although he seemed to think the mini itself was an invitation...

I think I went to the bathroom which was right in front of the bedroom pretty much and when I got out, he was there...This is hard, I've never told the whole story...I buried it in my head mostly. I couldn't possibly be a victim...Anyhow...this is for any girl who's ever been in my situation or anything similar. I'm not going to be an hypocrite and say it's alright to be a victim because I still don't feel that way...Well, actually, it is alright to be a victim, and you shouldn't be ashamed about it. It's not your fault. Here's my story from the part that I recall...

I ended up in the bedroom with Lionel who was getting a little too close for comfort. I have this whole thing with personal space that I don't like invaded. I explained to Lionel how we'd talked about being friends with benefits and I didn't think it was a good idea yet, if ever, for many reasons...He didn't care to hear me and was touching me anyways. Mind you, I still had feelings for him, and maybe was still reacting to his touch, still I wanted to be stronger and knew I didn't want or should have sex with him. I told him to stop but he wouldn't quit, said something like he knew I liked it and should just let myself go.

My body refused to follow my head and it seemed he had no intention to stop so I was going in a panic mode trying to get away but he wouldn't let me. When we ended up falling on the bed, I told him no. But he wouldn't take a no for an answer, I told said again, "please stop" and tried getting away from under him to leave the room but he just replied with something along the lines of how I liked it and it was ok. I when pretty numb at that moment...just laid there...Even after he was done and left the room, I couldn't move...I just cried and cried...Felt so dirty and disgusting...I finally got up and looked for my panties; I still had my skirt on. Went to the bathroom to freshen up and work up the courage to face him...

He was on his computer, playing as always that game, I've grown to hate...World of Warcraft...I told him I had to go and he said okay. Just okay...Got up after getting out of where he was because of course, he can't leave the character just anywhere...Gave me a big hug, said to be careful and got back to his computer. Got out of his apartment with my vision all blurry, trying hard not to fall down the awful stairs both inside and outside. I should've loved the fresh air but it couldn't put my mind to ease. Once at home, I abused that shower, didn't want to get out, wanted to die right there.

I still didn't get it. Lionel and I were friends with benefits almost a year. Never had another episode like the first but it was no use ever saying no anyways, he'd insist and I'd cave in knowing he wouldn't care for my no anyways. That's what I meant in my post "Closure". I hated myself in the end. I wrote him a long e-mail once to explain to him how I didn't want to have sex with him most of the time we would have sex and for whatever reason, he didn't seem to understand. He played the "I feel bad card but you say no and your body's saying yes". Funny how he was the only guy I've ever had that problem with. Yet, made me freak out with every man I spent time with after him.

So Lionel, pretended to help me understand how not to send mixed signals by helping me identify what made me react...I don't know why it never crossed my mind again that if I'd never had a problem with ANY other man when my body was saying yes ANYWAYS why would I need to learn when to put a stop to it?

I freaked out on so many boys including Dylan and I'd always have a stupid excuse for myself as to why I freaked out. I freaked on Dylan just because he kissed me and started touching me...He told me we wouldn't do anything and in the past he'd make good of his promise but still...I didn't have sex for a little over 2 years after. I'm still mad at myself for letting him take advantage of me like that. Mad at myself for letting this define a big part of my life and still affect me today because I refused to face it.

I know how my attitude makes Robert feel, I've dealt with that in the past with Lionel. But I don't know how my being insecure makes him feel...I need him to still be able to communicate with me. I don't want to have to get into details about this with him like I'm doing on this blog. This is my therapy...I love my man and I don't need this haunting me...But I already feel much better...I have all I need to be happy...Now I just need to make peace once and for all...

In Search Of Sense...?

I won't modify the title of my blog. Sounds too weird without love. But I have found my love. :D Hank completes me, makes me feel whole. I can't believe any woman was crazy enough to let it go but apparently it happened. Lucky for me. Although he's suffered in the past and I think that is unfortunate. But he said something once...That all those bad relationships and the hurt that followed makes him appreciate me and my love even more.

So we're pretty much official since Christmas...And guess what...we already got into the issue of moving in together!!! Here it's July 1st that everyone moves so pretty soon I'd say but this is forever anyways so might as well go for sooner than later. We can't get enough of one another. Lol, wow, whenever I'm next to him, I want to hold him, kiss him, make love to him. Wow, crazy, just crazy.

On my search of sense...well, I may have gotten rid of anything numeric I had related to Lionel or Dylan but I just found out something on paper...And also realized I had not cleaned up my compu as well...Oops...Dunno why, I might keep anything paper I've ever written...Because I don't want to forget? Mind you, it's nothing good what's written, no worries about that but still...I wanna know why I want to keep them...

Closure...

There comes a point in your life when you realize
who matters,
who never did,
who won't anymore...
and who always will.

So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

Don't know who that quote is from but anyways...This is now all I have to say about closure. I've tried, looked for it only to end up with more heartache.

Was I looking for closure when I messaged back Lionel after he answered one of my forwards? Mind you, the boy sent me some forwards in the past but when I do, he answers?? Wtf?? Anyhow...first time he replied, I ignored, I wasn't going to go through the motions again. Second time around he writes: "And no congratulations on my wedding?"

About a week later I answer: "Ah, well, Congrats." Thought he'd get the message but he comes back with: "Good enough!" and then proceed to write about where he's at (Toronto) and his life and his fiance (mind you he's not married yet...still some hope for her.) Lol, anyhow he talks his non sense and says his future wife is Muslim.

I finally take time to write a big message to say what's going on with me, avoiding of course, meeting Hank etc. I definitely don't need advice or anything else he would've come up with. I told him about finding a great job and quitting the crappy one I had now, about nothing really but it looked like a lot. Lol, and I asked him if he was fully Muslim since he was reading the Koran when we were done.

His answer was rich and reminded me why I stopped talking to him in the first place. From him saying he was now fully Muslim and it wasn't so hard to convert because he was already a very good person at heart (yeah...huh, whatever) to saying he couldn't do anything before being married. And that it was probably easy because I wasn't there to tempt him.

Oh, I was mad...I wasn't going to answer. But I did...Why? Here it goes...

On December 25th, I received the greatest present I could have ever asked for...Hank told me he loved me...I almost cried. He held my hands, looked me in the eyes and said: "Caroline, I love you..."

I've had guys telling me they loved me before, I thought it would last forever. I've loved in the past and even thought the same. But no one had EVER done it like that. So simply and with such sincerity.

I wanted to tell him I loved him. I definitely felt it. But it didn't feel quite right...yet.

I got home and slept. When I woke up, I knew what I wanted...I wanted a life with Hank. I wanted to take a chance on what to me, finally appeared to be true love. I know it seems all too quickly but it's just sooo right. I know why I love him and that's a HUGE change for me.

He knows what he wants, he's mature, he treats me with the uttermost respect, he makes me feel special, he's intelligent, funny, cute, well mannered, you name it. I'd clone him for you single ladies out there but I think I'd wanna keep the clones for me too! ;)

So back to me waking up...I turned on my computer. I hesitated between not answering at all to Lionel or give him some sort of explanation he wouldn't get anyways and I chose the latter.

So I wrote to him that it was better he never wrote to me ever again. That I was happy and didn't need him in my life. That his thinking we were too alike to be happy couldn't be more wrong because for everything that matter we couldn't be further opposites.

I also told him somehow we seemed to bring out the ugliness in the other and that it was best this way but that the main reason I wanted to stop talking to him he could find it at the end of his message.

I added that he didn't respect me and never had and that I was happy he'd found his virgin to marry and maybe he'd treat her right since that's what he'd been waiting for. I then erased any message I had from him or sent to him and deleted his contact address.

I read his reply quickly when it arrived of him complaining that I sure didn't want him to be happy for long hearing from me. How he respected me and if he'd done anything to make me think otherwise, I should have told him. As if I hadn't. What was I suppose to do with a man that wouldn't even respect my "no"?

I did the same for Dylan. And I thought it'd be hard for Dylan...After 7 years, I still wasn't sure if I could move on. But I did, and it felt normal. I sent him a message to wish him all the best above all, love. Told him we had nothing to tell each other anymore and he seemed to have realized that sooner than I did since anyways, I hadn't heard from him since his "invitation".

And that was it! I was sending a card to Hank telling him I loved him...

Now that is closure to me...It doesn't come from anyone else then you. When you learn to let go. Surprisingly, I don't even miss Dylan, I'm too happy. I've finally found a man that knows how to love me. :)

And I'm happy...

Head In The Clouds...

So, I was pretty confused after the episodes with Hank. This was not like me although I kind of knew why, it still didn't make 100% sense. I'd never ask him what he was looking for so I ended up assuming I was now stuck with a "friend with benefits". Mind you, I don't care for that very much, I don't think those relationships can really turn into something but that's me.

I was in "issue avoidance" mode. I wasn't going to talk about it because I didn't know how to squeeze him in my life. I kept telling Kelly despite all that, it's not a friend with benefits I was looking for so I felt kinda stupid for not thinking. And Kelly would patiently tell me: "I've seen the way this boy looks at you. He wants so much more for you than this."

He went head first in bringing up the subject which caught me by surprise. I wasn't ready and I'd settle that for...hummm...nothing? I have no clue. But in no uncertain terms, he let me know he wasn't looking just for fun. The more I'd talk to him, the more I'd feel I was developing feelings for him. We had so much in common, our views on life and all. :)

After a couple of cancellations which led me to believe he wasn't interested at all. We finally had a date. Yay!!! Lol, he said nothing would stop him; not the fatigue nor the snow, so lol, I told Kelly his excuse would be the cold. And a cold day it was...lol, when he called me to change plans, for a moment there I thought he wanted to cancel and I was about to give him the boot!!!

Anyhow, we ended up playing pool, we both suck at it although, he's slightly better than me. He tries to get the balls in the holes and successes at times, whereas I just want to hit a ball....Any ball...

So back to it. The more we talked, the more I had the impression I was talking to myself. It's like on most of things we thought the same way or had the same view. From thereon, I couldn't help but wonder what Kelly told him about me. But then it stroked me. Kelly didn't know me well enough to know all those aspects of my personality!!!

It's like I had found my clone...Come to think of it I was falling in love. We had some more dates and it'd be so great spending time with him, talking to him, I'd end up letting him go around 5 am...Hihi, and no sex at all. I have to admit, I wanted to check how serious he was and if he was just playing me. I thought he'd lose interest if he wasn't for real.

But he was still around...And I was secretly happy.I knew I was falling in love, this was unlike anything I'd ever felt. I kept listening to love songs and I was trying to deny it because it was just too soon, didn't make sense to me. But how long can you wait???

Have I ever loved, really? I've had a feeling take control of me; lose all common sense, accept so much more than I should have. I remember a couple of years back and I may have mentioned it in my old blog but I put for a msn nick after it was done with Lionel: "I want love, not sacrifice."

I have a friend who I love very deeply but not that way tell me: "Love is sacrifice. See, I found love but deep down you'll always be the one I truly love." I didn't know what to make of that. For starters it didn't make sense and I also thought he was "over me". Not that we ever dated, but he was my first and although I thought I loved him that night, I realized I was mistaking affection for love.

Not sure I'll ever know what he meant by that, he never explained but what I meant was love requires some sacrifices from both...it is not suppose to be a sacrifice itself. That was unfortunately the way I'd felt in every relationship I had. Forget all about you and it's gonna be all about him. Basically, sacrifice who you are and all you want if it'll make him happy.

But I've learned and you'll find out soon enough...