Head In The Clouds...

So, I was pretty confused after the episodes with Hank. This was not like me although I kind of knew why, it still didn't make 100% sense. I'd never ask him what he was looking for so I ended up assuming I was now stuck with a "friend with benefits". Mind you, I don't care for that very much, I don't think those relationships can really turn into something but that's me.

I was in "issue avoidance" mode. I wasn't going to talk about it because I didn't know how to squeeze him in my life. I kept telling Kelly despite all that, it's not a friend with benefits I was looking for so I felt kinda stupid for not thinking. And Kelly would patiently tell me: "I've seen the way this boy looks at you. He wants so much more for you than this."

He went head first in bringing up the subject which caught me by surprise. I wasn't ready and I'd settle that for...hummm...nothing? I have no clue. But in no uncertain terms, he let me know he wasn't looking just for fun. The more I'd talk to him, the more I'd feel I was developing feelings for him. We had so much in common, our views on life and all. :)

After a couple of cancellations which led me to believe he wasn't interested at all. We finally had a date. Yay!!! Lol, he said nothing would stop him; not the fatigue nor the snow, so lol, I told Kelly his excuse would be the cold. And a cold day it was...lol, when he called me to change plans, for a moment there I thought he wanted to cancel and I was about to give him the boot!!!

Anyhow, we ended up playing pool, we both suck at it although, he's slightly better than me. He tries to get the balls in the holes and successes at times, whereas I just want to hit a ball....Any ball...

So back to it. The more we talked, the more I had the impression I was talking to myself. It's like on most of things we thought the same way or had the same view. From thereon, I couldn't help but wonder what Kelly told him about me. But then it stroked me. Kelly didn't know me well enough to know all those aspects of my personality!!!

It's like I had found my clone...Come to think of it I was falling in love. We had some more dates and it'd be so great spending time with him, talking to him, I'd end up letting him go around 5 am...Hihi, and no sex at all. I have to admit, I wanted to check how serious he was and if he was just playing me. I thought he'd lose interest if he wasn't for real.

But he was still around...And I was secretly happy.I knew I was falling in love, this was unlike anything I'd ever felt. I kept listening to love songs and I was trying to deny it because it was just too soon, didn't make sense to me. But how long can you wait???

Have I ever loved, really? I've had a feeling take control of me; lose all common sense, accept so much more than I should have. I remember a couple of years back and I may have mentioned it in my old blog but I put for a msn nick after it was done with Lionel: "I want love, not sacrifice."

I have a friend who I love very deeply but not that way tell me: "Love is sacrifice. See, I found love but deep down you'll always be the one I truly love." I didn't know what to make of that. For starters it didn't make sense and I also thought he was "over me". Not that we ever dated, but he was my first and although I thought I loved him that night, I realized I was mistaking affection for love.

Not sure I'll ever know what he meant by that, he never explained but what I meant was love requires some sacrifices from both...it is not suppose to be a sacrifice itself. That was unfortunately the way I'd felt in every relationship I had. Forget all about you and it's gonna be all about him. Basically, sacrifice who you are and all you want if it'll make him happy.

But I've learned and you'll find out soon enough...