Down to my knees - Sense

I am a submissive...

Now I'm letting that thought sink in. I had a though time accepting it because it seemed like it was going against my true nature but once I accepted it, it made total sense.

Now, how did I discover and came to term with my submissive self?

I think it was a mix of everything. Malik was clearly a dominating man. Although he clearly represented what I would normally rebel against, he tapped into a special part of me and I was willing to just do as he said; up to a certain extend, of course, but I never felt bad if I said no. In fact, he pretty much said it for me once. 

I was trying to get Hank to be more "manly" , I tried to instroduce some BDSM in our sex life, he didn't get it. With Malik, it was natural and I wanted to. Although he can be quite in touch with his feminine side, I see him as a man. A pure man, not a metrosexual. He wants as D/s relationship which we would be "versatile". I go with the quotes because from the feel of it, he will decide when I get to be dominant. 

I don't mind it.  

I think that's what shocked me. It's like something clicked. 

Let's review, shall we?

I always had a tendancy to be attracted to my superiors so long as they were within age range, like no more than 15 yrs older. I'd say it started with Dylan but that is sooo not true, I remember being attracted to the trainer from my first job, them the head cashier. Before him, a teacher in high school when I was about 14, etc...I was sexually drawn to male authority figures...Overall, men with "power". 

I never made anything out of it until recently. It's like they all had that magnetism and although, sometimes, I would rebel, part of my would fantasize they would put me back in my place. Never quite happened, Dylan certainly did not live up to my expectations. Hank, I was trying to make him be more rough, show me who was the man, take back his "rightful" place instead of whining like a little baby that I wouldn't let him be a man...

I crave to be dominated, disciplined and...punished.

On the other hand, although I wanted to be a cop, I had a love/hate relationship with authority. I developed a rebel side to fight over injustice. I think it was developed out of necessity because I was seeing abuse around me. I also believe I've had my share of abusive relationship including the one with Hank. My relationship with Malik is differs in the sense that he will respect a no, I can communicate to him my soft and hard limits and we'll work with that. He is amazing. 

Right now we are in a long distance Daddy/Little Girl relationship type which works out for me. He appreciates the childish side of me, pretty much encourages it. He wants to spoil me silly and watch over me. Also, of course, watch over eventual children. He has a very nurturing personality and he makes me happy. 

This is all for now. More in another post. ;)