Closure...

There comes a point in your life when you realize
who matters,
who never did,
who won't anymore...
and who always will.

So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

Don't know who that quote is from but anyways...This is now all I have to say about closure. I've tried, looked for it only to end up with more heartache.

Was I looking for closure when I messaged back Lionel after he answered one of my forwards? Mind you, the boy sent me some forwards in the past but when I do, he answers?? Wtf?? Anyhow...first time he replied, I ignored, I wasn't going to go through the motions again. Second time around he writes: "And no congratulations on my wedding?"

About a week later I answer: "Ah, well, Congrats." Thought he'd get the message but he comes back with: "Good enough!" and then proceed to write about where he's at (Toronto) and his life and his fiance (mind you he's not married yet...still some hope for her.) Lol, anyhow he talks his non sense and says his future wife is Muslim.

I finally take time to write a big message to say what's going on with me, avoiding of course, meeting Hank etc. I definitely don't need advice or anything else he would've come up with. I told him about finding a great job and quitting the crappy one I had now, about nothing really but it looked like a lot. Lol, and I asked him if he was fully Muslim since he was reading the Koran when we were done.

His answer was rich and reminded me why I stopped talking to him in the first place. From him saying he was now fully Muslim and it wasn't so hard to convert because he was already a very good person at heart (yeah...huh, whatever) to saying he couldn't do anything before being married. And that it was probably easy because I wasn't there to tempt him.

Oh, I was mad...I wasn't going to answer. But I did...Why? Here it goes...

On December 25th, I received the greatest present I could have ever asked for...Hank told me he loved me...I almost cried. He held my hands, looked me in the eyes and said: "Caroline, I love you..."

I've had guys telling me they loved me before, I thought it would last forever. I've loved in the past and even thought the same. But no one had EVER done it like that. So simply and with such sincerity.

I wanted to tell him I loved him. I definitely felt it. But it didn't feel quite right...yet.

I got home and slept. When I woke up, I knew what I wanted...I wanted a life with Hank. I wanted to take a chance on what to me, finally appeared to be true love. I know it seems all too quickly but it's just sooo right. I know why I love him and that's a HUGE change for me.

He knows what he wants, he's mature, he treats me with the uttermost respect, he makes me feel special, he's intelligent, funny, cute, well mannered, you name it. I'd clone him for you single ladies out there but I think I'd wanna keep the clones for me too! ;)

So back to me waking up...I turned on my computer. I hesitated between not answering at all to Lionel or give him some sort of explanation he wouldn't get anyways and I chose the latter.

So I wrote to him that it was better he never wrote to me ever again. That I was happy and didn't need him in my life. That his thinking we were too alike to be happy couldn't be more wrong because for everything that matter we couldn't be further opposites.

I also told him somehow we seemed to bring out the ugliness in the other and that it was best this way but that the main reason I wanted to stop talking to him he could find it at the end of his message.

I added that he didn't respect me and never had and that I was happy he'd found his virgin to marry and maybe he'd treat her right since that's what he'd been waiting for. I then erased any message I had from him or sent to him and deleted his contact address.

I read his reply quickly when it arrived of him complaining that I sure didn't want him to be happy for long hearing from me. How he respected me and if he'd done anything to make me think otherwise, I should have told him. As if I hadn't. What was I suppose to do with a man that wouldn't even respect my "no"?

I did the same for Dylan. And I thought it'd be hard for Dylan...After 7 years, I still wasn't sure if I could move on. But I did, and it felt normal. I sent him a message to wish him all the best above all, love. Told him we had nothing to tell each other anymore and he seemed to have realized that sooner than I did since anyways, I hadn't heard from him since his "invitation".

And that was it! I was sending a card to Hank telling him I loved him...

Now that is closure to me...It doesn't come from anyone else then you. When you learn to let go. Surprisingly, I don't even miss Dylan, I'm too happy. I've finally found a man that knows how to love me. :)

And I'm happy...

Head In The Clouds...

So, I was pretty confused after the episodes with Hank. This was not like me although I kind of knew why, it still didn't make 100% sense. I'd never ask him what he was looking for so I ended up assuming I was now stuck with a "friend with benefits". Mind you, I don't care for that very much, I don't think those relationships can really turn into something but that's me.

I was in "issue avoidance" mode. I wasn't going to talk about it because I didn't know how to squeeze him in my life. I kept telling Kelly despite all that, it's not a friend with benefits I was looking for so I felt kinda stupid for not thinking. And Kelly would patiently tell me: "I've seen the way this boy looks at you. He wants so much more for you than this."

He went head first in bringing up the subject which caught me by surprise. I wasn't ready and I'd settle that for...hummm...nothing? I have no clue. But in no uncertain terms, he let me know he wasn't looking just for fun. The more I'd talk to him, the more I'd feel I was developing feelings for him. We had so much in common, our views on life and all. :)

After a couple of cancellations which led me to believe he wasn't interested at all. We finally had a date. Yay!!! Lol, he said nothing would stop him; not the fatigue nor the snow, so lol, I told Kelly his excuse would be the cold. And a cold day it was...lol, when he called me to change plans, for a moment there I thought he wanted to cancel and I was about to give him the boot!!!

Anyhow, we ended up playing pool, we both suck at it although, he's slightly better than me. He tries to get the balls in the holes and successes at times, whereas I just want to hit a ball....Any ball...

So back to it. The more we talked, the more I had the impression I was talking to myself. It's like on most of things we thought the same way or had the same view. From thereon, I couldn't help but wonder what Kelly told him about me. But then it stroked me. Kelly didn't know me well enough to know all those aspects of my personality!!!

It's like I had found my clone...Come to think of it I was falling in love. We had some more dates and it'd be so great spending time with him, talking to him, I'd end up letting him go around 5 am...Hihi, and no sex at all. I have to admit, I wanted to check how serious he was and if he was just playing me. I thought he'd lose interest if he wasn't for real.

But he was still around...And I was secretly happy.I knew I was falling in love, this was unlike anything I'd ever felt. I kept listening to love songs and I was trying to deny it because it was just too soon, didn't make sense to me. But how long can you wait???

Have I ever loved, really? I've had a feeling take control of me; lose all common sense, accept so much more than I should have. I remember a couple of years back and I may have mentioned it in my old blog but I put for a msn nick after it was done with Lionel: "I want love, not sacrifice."

I have a friend who I love very deeply but not that way tell me: "Love is sacrifice. See, I found love but deep down you'll always be the one I truly love." I didn't know what to make of that. For starters it didn't make sense and I also thought he was "over me". Not that we ever dated, but he was my first and although I thought I loved him that night, I realized I was mistaking affection for love.

Not sure I'll ever know what he meant by that, he never explained but what I meant was love requires some sacrifices from both...it is not suppose to be a sacrifice itself. That was unfortunately the way I'd felt in every relationship I had. Forget all about you and it's gonna be all about him. Basically, sacrifice who you are and all you want if it'll make him happy.

But I've learned and you'll find out soon enough...