So I figured maybe I should write a post...Maybe it would help. I also figured maybe I should cry...Stop pretending to be so damn strong...Yesterday I cried...Didn't want Robert seeing me like this. It's just something he said...I am not perfect; far from it. I am a very insecure person at times because of my past and my constant fear to love. The day before yesterday, Rob and I had a talk. I've been trying to stop biting my nails, I know he doesn't like it and I've been meaning to clean up my room so I can finally let him in.
But there it's like he sounded like my mom. To top it off came up with one of the stereotypes I can't stand the most which is that I'm a girl...Huh...so what? To add to it, well, I'm black so...whatever, didn't sit too well with me and I didn't want it to be an issue later on because I may try for my nails but I'm not sure of my success rate. My room will come around slowly if I don't feel any pressure. But that's enough to make me feel insecure. I'm scared of failure, those failure to me would equal letting him down and that I don't want to do. :(
I sometimes feel like he's trying to cure me of all those little bad habits I have and I love that he's doing that but unfortunately, it's deep down into me. Perfectionism, my obsessive compulsive personality...Just giving me food is complicated. I also like to check what I'm being told, not that I think he's full of bull but when I'm always told something and then I'm told otherwise, I'll look it up. He seems to think it's because I doubt him.
I don't know, right there, he seemed annoyed/mad and I asked him what was wrong and he said I kept finding something wrong in all he does. That was a little more than I could handle...He left me alone for a few minutes; we were at Kelly and she was in the kitchen with her new man, okay, not quite her man yet, but I hope he will be. She deserves a guy like him. Anyhow, I wanted to cry and the bathroom is in the kitchen so I waited for everyone to come back and I went in there.
He came to get me because I told them to start the movie without me. I couldn't go back in the living room the way I was. So he saw me cry...Makes it worst. Like I told him, I don't want him feeling like he can't tell me how he feels because I'll end up crying...That's not me. I want the communication to work.
Only there's one thing I realize...I may be insecure and it all has to do with my past but there's more...A lot more.and I don't know what to do, how to deal with it. Maybe because I never had, really. I just buried it inside and mention it sometimes like I was over it but I'm not.
It's been four years...February 2005...it coincides with my break-up to Lionel. His picture is on my computer but I never cared to see him. I just didn't even think about deleting them, forgot about them because he wasn't on my mind and definitely not in my heart. But the day before yesterday, I looked for his picture (long story) but anyways...had a weird effect on me. I know Robert saw it too but he seemed to think I was not indifferent to Lionel and that's not what it was...
Lionel and I are long over and I would NEVER want to get back together and feel anything more than pity or resentment towards him (and I'm not a fan of the use of never especially not capitalized but this time it's well worth it). Sad truth is I don't even resent him...I resent myself. It's with myself I didn't make peace. No need to look it up my old posts, I never mentioned it I believe. It's not what I did to have him break up with me that I'm dealing with. It's what he did not long after the breakup. And how he led me to believe it was my fault and I fell for it. How I never forgave myself.
This is so hard for me...I'm crying and I can barely stop, I spent a great deal of my sleep time with nightmares, reliving that day. Either being back in that same spot with him on top of me or looking at the scene from a distance wondering what happened and why I wasn't stronger...Why I didn't stop it...Actually, I never really mentioned anything on my blog...well not that one or the preceding one...The break-up was in another blog of mine but anyhow. Actually, I may have deleted those posts even...
Anyhow, I'll get back to making peace. Lionel and I came to an end right before Valentine's Day 2005...I kinda made sure of that, I wanted the relationship to end. Since he broke it off, I said I would go get my things right before Valentine's Day and have a single girls evening with my friend and I had to get my stuff back. He refused. Pretty much said he still expected us to spend Valentine's together and that I could only have my things back on the 15th because he had plans the 2 days before when I could've gotten my things.
He was lying of course and did end up telling me I'd spend Valentine's with him or would not celebrate at all...What an horrible evening...Between crying and trying to eat, discussing our relationship for the first time like adults, his sister visiting with her boyfriend...The card I had given him...I couldn't take it anymore and was glad to get out when it was over. We'd stay friends we said...
Yeah, let's talk about his idea of being friends because it definitely wasn't mine. Got to his place to spend an afternoon, about a week after the break-up; I had plans later I think. It was a hot summer day so I had one of my mini skirts on and a cute T-shirt. I never fully understood what happened until reading an article in Cosmo. Now I will advise everyone to go read the article by clicking on that link. There was no alcohol involved in my case though, and I clearly said no...More than once...maybe not as strongly after the first two times but I did...This is what I meant in the post "Closure" when I said he wouldn't respect my "no".
I have to make peace, I have to tell the story...I arrived at his place and we were talking and things were cool. I'd told Lionel already that I'm not so much for friends with benefits and if it's over, I don't see the point of still being intimate with one another. I don't quite recall all the events and exactly how it happened. I didn't try seducing him, that much I know although he seemed to think the mini itself was an invitation...
I think I went to the bathroom which was right in front of the bedroom pretty much and when I got out, he was there...This is hard, I've never told the whole story...I buried it in my head mostly. I couldn't possibly be a victim...Anyhow...this is for any girl who's ever been in my situation or anything similar. I'm not going to be an hypocrite and say it's alright to be a victim because I still don't feel that way...Well, actually, it is alright to be a victim, and you shouldn't be ashamed about it. It's not your fault. Here's my story from the part that I recall...
I ended up in the bedroom with Lionel who was getting a little too close for comfort. I have this whole thing with personal space that I don't like invaded. I explained to Lionel how we'd talked about being friends with benefits and I didn't think it was a good idea yet, if ever, for many reasons...He didn't care to hear me and was touching me anyways. Mind you, I still had feelings for him, and maybe was still reacting to his touch, still I wanted to be stronger and knew I didn't want or should have sex with him. I told him to stop but he wouldn't quit, said something like he knew I liked it and should just let myself go.
My body refused to follow my head and it seemed he had no intention to stop so I was going in a panic mode trying to get away but he wouldn't let me. When we ended up falling on the bed, I told him no. But he wouldn't take a no for an answer, I told said again, "please stop" and tried getting away from under him to leave the room but he just replied with something along the lines of how I liked it and it was ok. I when pretty numb at that moment...just laid there...Even after he was done and left the room, I couldn't move...I just cried and cried...Felt so dirty and disgusting...I finally got up and looked for my panties; I still had my skirt on. Went to the bathroom to freshen up and work up the courage to face him...
He was on his computer, playing as always that game, I've grown to hate...World of Warcraft...I told him I had to go and he said okay. Just okay...Got up after getting out of where he was because of course, he can't leave the character just anywhere...Gave me a big hug, said to be careful and got back to his computer. Got out of his apartment with my vision all blurry, trying hard not to fall down the awful stairs both inside and outside. I should've loved the fresh air but it couldn't put my mind to ease. Once at home, I abused that shower, didn't want to get out, wanted to die right there.
I still didn't get it. Lionel and I were friends with benefits almost a year. Never had another episode like the first but it was no use ever saying no anyways, he'd insist and I'd cave in knowing he wouldn't care for my no anyways. That's what I meant in my post "Closure". I hated myself in the end. I wrote him a long e-mail once to explain to him how I didn't want to have sex with him most of the time we would have sex and for whatever reason, he didn't seem to understand. He played the "I feel bad card but you say no and your body's saying yes". Funny how he was the only guy I've ever had that problem with. Yet, made me freak out with every man I spent time with after him.
So Lionel, pretended to help me understand how not to send mixed signals by helping me identify what made me react...I don't know why it never crossed my mind again that if I'd never had a problem with ANY other man when my body was saying yes ANYWAYS why would I need to learn when to put a stop to it?
I freaked out on so many boys including Dylan and I'd always have a stupid excuse for myself as to why I freaked out. I freaked on Dylan just because he kissed me and started touching me...He told me we wouldn't do anything and in the past he'd make good of his promise but still...I didn't have sex for a little over 2 years after. I'm still mad at myself for letting him take advantage of me like that. Mad at myself for letting this define a big part of my life and still affect me today because I refused to face it.
I know how my attitude makes Robert feel, I've dealt with that in the past with Lionel. But I don't know how my being insecure makes him feel...I need him to still be able to communicate with me. I don't want to have to get into details about this with him like I'm doing on this blog. This is my therapy...I love my man and I don't need this haunting me...But I already feel much better...I have all I need to be happy...Now I just need to make peace once and for all...
Chapter 57: Saved Against All Odds
12 years ago
