Round and Round We Go

I stopped writing for a while. My relationship with Malik went down the drain shortly after my last post. I tried once again to salvage something that was meant to die. 

So on I go back to a new ferry ride round and  round we go. I start working on my self-esteem, think I'm good, get into a relationship and "poof", magically at some point, I let a boundary be ignored and there it starts. Seems I am more compassionate to others than myself. 

That is actually true...I don't hold others to the same standards I do for myself...probably because they are impossible to meet or if I can't do it myself how can I ask that of someone else?

So much to say, there will be multiple posts including, yet another, failed relationships. I think that one takes the cake at how I royally mistreated myself and ended up to the lowest I have ever been. I guess I'm stuck in a rut.  That one weakness that I've known for a while came back to bite me in the ass...nothing new. 

So far since the year started I've been on a trip, dated one guy, been on sick leave, saw a psychologist and am still seeing a counsellor. It has been a roller coaster and the ride wasn't always fun. I want to keep my posts short so I will have to go into details on the next post.---will be soon, promise

Learning the Errors in Our Ways

I'm still in love...there was a really rough patch with Malik. Rough and painful. I have learned one thing...someone who loves you very much can become a monster when depression rears it's ugly head in. 

He was mean, hurtful with his words. Sure it may not have seen like much to be told that I'm a grown-up to stop acting like a child, that I am not stupid and I should not be weak...

Seems harmless, in a way, right? 

Not for me...going through this journey where I'm learning, growing, I found out I'm a "little". A woman-child if one may wonder. He's always been my protector and could easily access this part of me that other men can't. 

The other day, a friend mentioned how she's always viewed me as strong and it's though to make me cry except when it comes to Malik...

Maybe it's my fault, I've always had an issue with opening up, always wanted to give the strong vibe. I didn't want to cry, I despised that sensitive part of me that wanted to bring me to tears so often and reminded me of the stereotype of a week woman...

I don't see it as a stigma anymore...did I tell my friend, no...still wondering why. I guess even though I am a submissive some part of me still likes to be seen as the strong one. Only with Malik will I submit but not be "weak", nevertheless. 

Now, we got through it, I learned sometimes, I can't be a little with him. I have to be an adult, level with him, be there for him. LISTEN to his cues and be less self-centered. It was a painful learning experience but a necessary one. Was his method the right one? Probably not. 

I forgave him as he forgave me and we discussed communication between us again. 

Next post is about labels which sometimes however restrictive they can be seen, can provide some understanding. 

Labels - Sense

****Some posts never published. Better late than never****

Malik doesn't like labels. That is one of the things I've taken away from the multiple arguments we had in the last few months  

I'm just happy we pushed through it and can finally be happy now. We are stronger. 

I like labels. They make me feel safe, in a way. I am not alone, others are like me, it brings some comfort. 

On the flip side, they can be viewed as horrible and limiting...kind of like stereotypes...maybe that's what's getting to him, he's never been one for stereotypes, much.

I am fully embracing my BDSM tendencies. I fully embrace being a "little"...I guess for him, not so much.  

I don't call him "daddy", I find it weird. Truth be told until recently, we never explicitly discussed what we are. 

He showed some opening in exploring BDSM online and what people are saying, their experience, their type of kinks. I was happy he showed more opening towards the labels. I know it's because he knows it makes me feel safe. He's happy with being viewed as an outsider, it's been this way all his life. 

I figured when he gets to Canada, we'll go to an event, make friends and learn together how much more there is to discover about this lifestyle that fits us so well. Labels don't matter to me as much as acceptance, I guess. 

Down to my knees - Sense

I am a submissive...

Now I'm letting that thought sink in. I had a though time accepting it because it seemed like it was going against my true nature but once I accepted it, it made total sense.

Now, how did I discover and came to term with my submissive self?

I think it was a mix of everything. Malik was clearly a dominating man. Although he clearly represented what I would normally rebel against, he tapped into a special part of me and I was willing to just do as he said; up to a certain extend, of course, but I never felt bad if I said no. In fact, he pretty much said it for me once. 

I was trying to get Hank to be more "manly" , I tried to instroduce some BDSM in our sex life, he didn't get it. With Malik, it was natural and I wanted to. Although he can be quite in touch with his feminine side, I see him as a man. A pure man, not a metrosexual. He wants as D/s relationship which we would be "versatile". I go with the quotes because from the feel of it, he will decide when I get to be dominant. 

I don't mind it.  

I think that's what shocked me. It's like something clicked. 

Let's review, shall we?

I always had a tendancy to be attracted to my superiors so long as they were within age range, like no more than 15 yrs older. I'd say it started with Dylan but that is sooo not true, I remember being attracted to the trainer from my first job, them the head cashier. Before him, a teacher in high school when I was about 14, etc...I was sexually drawn to male authority figures...Overall, men with "power". 

I never made anything out of it until recently. It's like they all had that magnetism and although, sometimes, I would rebel, part of my would fantasize they would put me back in my place. Never quite happened, Dylan certainly did not live up to my expectations. Hank, I was trying to make him be more rough, show me who was the man, take back his "rightful" place instead of whining like a little baby that I wouldn't let him be a man...

I crave to be dominated, disciplined and...punished.

On the other hand, although I wanted to be a cop, I had a love/hate relationship with authority. I developed a rebel side to fight over injustice. I think it was developed out of necessity because I was seeing abuse around me. I also believe I've had my share of abusive relationship including the one with Hank. My relationship with Malik is differs in the sense that he will respect a no, I can communicate to him my soft and hard limits and we'll work with that. He is amazing. 

Right now we are in a long distance Daddy/Little Girl relationship type which works out for me. He appreciates the childish side of me, pretty much encourages it. He wants to spoil me silly and watch over me. Also, of course, watch over eventual children. He has a very nurturing personality and he makes me happy. 

This is all for now. More in another post. ;)

"NEVER let another man make your woman smile". - Love

Hihi, I believe the most I ever posted about my current boyfriend was: "Only once before, years ago, had a boy been able to make me do something almost crazy. I knew he was a player and yet I couldn't help myself...Malik...his name meant King in Arabic apparently. Told me the first night we met. Brought me all the way to a sleazy motel where we fooled around. And we saw each other some more. Until the day I freaked because I realized the effect he had over me and thought he said he loved me. We still talk now every once in a while and I remember telling him there was just something about him that I couldn't help myself."

So it's been about 9 years, since I last saw him in the flesh. On my old blog in March 2005, I said he was a "fling definitely not the one". Well, I'll have to take that back, apparently. Since May 20th, we have been a couple. He made a new grand entrance back in March...so how does it happen that I fall in love with an old fling from 9 years ago who lives abroad? Bare with me, will you?

I met Malik on doyoulookgood.com, not sure if the site even exists still but back in the days you could rate someone's appearance from 1-10, send them a message, whatever. Very superficial, very not me, but hey, sometimes you have nothing better to do. 

Malik sends me a message. He is DROP DEAD GORGEOUS!!! His message is super simple but refreshing. I think it was along the lines of: "How are you? I was wondering what is the craziest thing you've ever done?" Can't quite remember my answer, it mainly had to do with what I wanted to, such as parachute and bungee jumping. Gave me his number, asked for mine, we hit it off right away!

Talked on the phone over an hour, agreed to a meeting fairly quickly. Hihi, I still remember the day we met. He gave me an appointment at Presse-Cafe downtown on St-Denis. He had a winter hat on his head which he refused to remove, he was soooo hot. He arrived before me and stood when I came in. We were sitted less than 2 minutes when he said: "How about we go to a real place for a drink instead? I know a nice Porto house near by."  I said "Sure." and I followed him. I'm starting to wonder if the first appointment was in a well lit place just to insure I wasn't ugly since the lighting at the other place was pretty dimmed. Hihihi

I had a great time, but had my "player alerts" were going crazy. He was too perfect, too sweet, too charming, my guards were falling and I couldn't help myself, I was mesmerized by him. The rest is what was mentioned before. 

Now I was far from being naive, I knew he was seeing other women but certainly less when he met me since I occupied a LOT of his time. We saw one another almost everyday for a month before he had to leave about a month and a half later. After I ran away, he tried to see me again, I wouldn't return his calls and when I did, I was "busy" and couldn't see him. I was overall scared, if you ask me today, at the time, I didn't understand. I did not like the hold he had on me.

He asked to see me before going to a business trip. Would last about 2 weeks, I waited last minute to call him back and it was too late. Said we would go for supper when he got back. Well, it took him 9 years to be back. From there, he had to go back to his home country where his dad fell ill. Was supposed to be a matter or a few weeks but then weeks turned to months, months to years and I was already living my life although we remained friends. 

Little did I know, when I started to dig deep into myself to start the healing process, I noticed Malik had more importance in my life than I thought, in how he made me feel beautiful as a woman, got me to liberate myself, kills my anxiety just by talking, writing or being near...and little did I realize what my friends knew years ago: I was and still was in love with that man. I think Hank knew it too. It didn't help our relationship when I had Malik around consoling me, being there for me and showing Hank every opportunity he missed. Like the quote says: "NEVER let another man make your woman smile".

Malik makes me smile all the time, we have a special bound since he didn't forget me after all this time and I didn't forget him. I had my doubts about him coming back thinking it may have to do with residency or whatever but when he left, he had his papers and he demonstrated interest numerous times. I was just too blind to see. We've had our ups and downs with distance getting in the way. Too few moments on the phone or with Skype but he'll be here by the end of December if all goes well. 

He was the only man who could "tame" me so far. I admire him, I want to be with him and make him happy. I want to be his wife, to be patient and loving, I don't understand how I could want to please someone so much. He was always there for me, even at a distance. When my grandpa died, I texted him and he knew something was wrong. I told him my grandpa died, he called and condoled me for over an hour. Hank told me to call a girlfriend, go home and he'd see me when I was better because he couldn't deal with me crying. Malik was there whenever I was hurt and would listen. Back when we were seeing one another, he was always gentle and sweet. Almost felt like a relationship but he was also a boy with too much money. 

And I mean a boy! He had so much to learn, to go through, to grow as a human being. I don't regret, as I never do, running away from him all those years back. He would've broken my heart whether he wanted it or not. He said it himself, he is now a man and wants to settle down. It will be with me whether it's in Canada or wherever if for whatever reason he can't get his visa (long story short, he lost his permanent residency or he would've been here 4 yrs ago). He admitted a few days back that he always knew I was in love with him but didn't with the distance and circumstances, he never made a move. When he first planned to come back 4 yrs ago, I had been rather harsh when I told him I was in a relationship. He hinted he would make a move and I wanted things to be clear. Fast forward to now, can't wait, in love and hoping for the best! :)

That's the first half of Malik and I. I could just change my blog or let it die since I can now be positive I have found love AND sense. This is the love part. I can now be true to myself and I understand my nature because I am not afraid with Malik. There's a lot I need to explain since I discovered something SUPER important about myself that I'm not sure how I could've missed, or maybe, I wasn't ready yet. All part if the next post about "Sense". ;)

Think Like a Man

"Even when I'm a mess

I still put on a vest

With an S on my chest

Oh yes

I'm a Superwoman"

  -Superwoman, Alicia Keys

Now this post is dedicated to two dear friends of mine whose situation and goals in life couldn't be more at opposite from one another but one has read the book I am referring to and sent me the article saying she agreed with the critic and wanting to know what I thought; the other would definitely agree with the critic as well.

So before you continue reading, do your homework

A) Read "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" from Steve Harvey

B) Read the article (by Nico Lange) - Think Like a Man Isn't Just Sexist: It's Offensive to Pretty Much Everyone

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/1449409/

C) Get back to reading this post with an open mind

****WARNING*****

I could describe myself as a reformed feminist but I would rather say a "new" feminist. Now many will tag this as anti-feminist, be my guest, I won't stop you, agree or disagree, here is the response to my friend in regards to the book and the article. 

I'll start off by saying when I was single, I sometimes wondered why. Was it a shortage of good man, was I too picky, crazy, not good looking enough, unapproachable?

Well, it's more like the latter, in a way. But there again,  nothing new. What I never stopped to ask myself was: "What makes me unapproachable?" And "Why were all my relationships doomed?"

Now Steve Harvey will give you part of the story. The other parts, you'd have to start elsewhere. So let me say first before ANY woman looks into a relationship, she should start with getting her self-esteem on check where it needs to be. I recommend baggagereclaim.co.uk

by Natalie Lue, she rocks, that's all I have to say. Took me about a year and I'm still working on it sometimes but my self-esteem is much closer to what it should be. 

I'm here to make you think before I voice out my opinion and I have 2 questions for you. 

1) What is a woman?

Would I shock you if on top of the obvious for the genital parts, traits, reproductive capacity I added "the weaker sex"?

Of course, I would. (Well, I sure hope so), but there is a part of truth to it...

In all honesty (and given that I am a smart ass, this question only applies to heterosexual woman) 

2) Do you want to perceive your man as "weaker" than you are?

Be honest...

There! You are now ready for what follows. Love it, hate it, that's my opinion and I stick by it. 

"Who is Nico Lang?", I wondered after reading the article...well, he may not be the best guy to judge a book written for heterosexual women when he is gay and pro-feminist. Anyways, had to mention it because I believe it not only makes him bias but also the worst person to judge. 

I'll quote his words:" [...]teach women that they need to lie, borrow and steal to get into a relationship[...]"...euh, Nico, did we read the same book?

I'll mostly steer away from the critic because I find it was clearly written by a pro-feminist who see anything less than women wanting to be equal to men as sexist.

If you go back to question one as to what is a woman, you will noticed I talked about the weaker sex but that is not true, lets call it the "gentle sex". Women are normally caring, nurturing, sweet, docile, and so mych more. Those characteristics should be seen as quality that most men do not possess. It's very simple, I want to spin this around...Since when is "old school" bad? Why does a woman MUST be or act like a man to be considered strong?

Refer to the books title, it says: "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man", I think just that goes to say Mr. Harvey has nothing against strong, empowered women. In fact, the chapter "The Strong, Independent and Lonely Woman" is the one that spoke to me the most...I was PISSED!!!! Every feminist fiber of my being rebelled and yelled something along the lines of: "I will damn well stay alone, then".

I can tell pretty much the exact time my relationship with Hank had passed the point of no return. When I pretty much shoved it in his face how I did not see him as a man who could provide and how I took the man's place in the relationship. Yeah, I said it!!!! The.Man's.Place...

Something funny happened when I read the chapter again and thought to myself: "why not give it a try?" I was seeing Carl (remember him, lol) casually at the time and he was always the perfect gentleman, so I decided instead of fighting against it, say I'm picking up something and he offers to do it, I would let him...

W-O-W...I can't believe it was an "effort" for me to let a man do something for me...it kind of made me link my low-self esteem to feminism...why would letting a man take over make me seems weak or any less competent? I let him do and over the next few weeks, we were both happier and well, unfortunately it caused him to fall in love but that's another story. So yes, I agree, my man can take out the garbage, mow the lawn or whatever. If he's gone, I'll do it because I can, but while he's around, I can only see this as beneficial to both. 

I will have to point that I disagree about not being able to talk or shop,with your man, that's stupid from Mr. Harvey. It's a non-negotiable standard I have. Plus I read it a few months back I forgot most of it. Putting your foot down is not manipulation, it's standing up for yourself and your standards as well as your boundaries, etc. 

Now, a lot of us have forgotten what it's like to be a woman, sometimes because we chose the wrong mate. We MUST find a way to "let go" and let our man take charge sometimes. If you can't, ask yourself if you are with the right one. Easy to know what's going on, he'll be miserable if you don't take a step back sometimes

Some men are afraid of strong women altogether but most like a strong and independent woman so long as she loosens up around her man and is unafraid to let him lead. Most men  even EXPECT you to be strong, in the end it's always the woman holding the family together and that what matters most. Just let it flow how it need to go.

In a nutshell, be strong, dose the independence AND remain feminine

Interesting Potential for Love...

I can't wait to move. Hank is HORRIBLE! I'm being passive/aggressive by not cleaning but damn, he's going overboard! Wow, calling me a rubbish gay man, saying I should turn lesbian as no man would ever want me...wow, anyways. He disgusts me.

Being single is one thing (loving it). Being celibate another (though time ahead). :S Hank tried about twice two weeks ago to get into my pants. Actually 3 times, one of them I intentionally got his motor revving as personal vengeance.

I did not meet Julio he cancelled again and that was it for him! I met Carl a while back. Had our second date today and oh my! Okcupid made up for the fact I met only one person from their site so far was an horny idiot. Sue me! Lol, funny because the horny idiot sent me a few message last night telling me he thought things went well and I should've let him know if I wanted to call it quits. I gave him a chance to make amends, he miserably failed but helped me learn a lesson which I'll get back to very soon...

Last date with Lloyd was a TOTAL disaster! Lol, told me the best voice of music industry of all times is Chris Brown and best singers of all times Pitbull and Akon! Then he says he had to educate me music wise! Yikes, NEXT!!! Did I mention he asked we go chill at my place???! Didn't pay for my drink, didn't even hold the bartender! Grrr!!!

Quite the opposite, Carl is the perfect gentleman. Two dates, took me to exquisite restaurants, got the bill...adorable man! Yes, man! I'm not used to be treated like a queen, it's "different" but I'm getting used to it.

I realized, thanks to HI (Horny Idiot), I am guilt driven! Scary! My exes, who I was convinced went the extra distance for me as I run away from anything meaningful, are just crafty manipulators. It was actually more of "you won't even give me a chance because of what's happen in your past" and it made me feel guilty. Then he acts as if he's doing all the effort to get you. I just clicked they didn't do crap other than manipulate me. My emotional intelligence jumped one huge step up! :D

Carl, when he found out about how I run just said he hoped I would give him his chance and I should give it a try to see how things go as we never know what's in someone's mind. The guy is great, I say! ;)

The date was magical. It was Mother's Day but lol, with my hellish schedule it's hard to see one another. Night starts off with the hostess telling me I'm very beautiful! From out of nowhere! Lol, she said I was a natural beauty and she just felt compelled to tell me. Carl said she beat him to it. Lol, I even got a flower from the waitress although I was not a mommy. Said she beat him to that too! Lol ;)

The guy is sooo intelligent and educated, crazy. Shows chivalry is anything but dead and I must say I feel lucky to have met him. He's very charming, there is a little something about him, I find he's sexy in his own way although he seems bothered by being overweight. He ended the night with a kiss on the mouth. I hate the awkward moment when I'm never sure what the guy will do. Lol

I wasn't expecting the kiss but was hoping for it. It was great. I especially liked how he held me to kiss me and when he let go said: "we'll see each other again". Nothing sexier than a confident guy. I replied playfully: "Yes? You think so?" with a laugh. I'm trying not to get carried away. Wish I could fast forward to our next date. ;)

Though Times

Well, it's better at work but personal life is HARD!!! I have to be honest and say I'm in need of TLC, actually more than that.

The more I have to deal with Hank, the more I can't wait for it all to be over. It was probably about time but as he disgusts me, no way I would even turn to him even for a hug. I'm not really complaining, well not much! Being single is one thing, celibate another! Lol

I did not meet Julio yet, cancelled again. Clock is ticking for him. Lloyd, meh! Asked today if i was free this weekend to go out. Told him Sunday would work. He's bugged me a little from the start...never hear from here and he pops out of the blue to ask me out. Oh well...

My personal favorite is Carl, MUCH more interesting than all the others. By far! Will continue another time.

Back on Therapy

Wow, so much I'm still learning about myself! I turned 30 on March 14th, yeah!!! Single again since early December!!! Yeah, greatest thing to happen to me in ages.

Unfortunately the relationship with Hank lasted 2 1/2 years too long and moving in together was a poor idea! I'll spare details, wouldn't know where to start.

In a nutshell, selfish boy, girl in love, doesn't listen to her friend of just reason equals recipe for bad relationship and 3 wasted years. I say wasted but I still have no regrets.

I have learned more about me. Although there is a lot I already knew, I thought I had changed. I still can't quite end a relationship.

I tried a billion times with Hank but would always go back. And when he tried, I asked he give the relationship another go as I had done so many times before. A few weeks later, I was giving up and admitting he was right. My pride had gotten in the way that last time.

Back on dating sites. Met a few assholes and question marks! Lol, set to meet Julio tomorrow...might click, he's adorable but that may just be the problem...another Kevin? Hope not!

Not even going to bother getting a different name for Stephen as he will probably not be mentioned again. I'm not really superficial and he was kinda looking cute in his own way. I loved his sexy English accent and how he kept saying "madam".

Kinda cute. Tina thought he was SUPER ugly. Long story short, went for coffee, kinda hit it off but not only did you not invite but then you're hoping to get in my pants??? PASS!

Plus his teeth were a huge turnoff. Sure I'll cough up to a very heated conversation by SMS and by phone, probably because I try to please too much and when pressured sometimes I cave in a bit but damn, come on, I'm more than a piece of meat so NEXT!!

For a moment there, because I was convinced the sex would be good and my agreement to be friends with benefits with Hank is pretty much done (he disgusts me), I considered but no, I'll wait for a committed relationship or if it happens it happens but won't go looking for it or waste time with someone who primarily wants to get some.

Not interested in speaking of the others for now. I have a new job. Been a year at Customer Loyalty & Retention for a big telecom company. Made almost 50K last year. Hank could barely bank 30K and still no credit so that explains a bit.

I gained MAD weight! Which brings back what I was saying about not changing much. I do things that I know may be a dealbreaker in hopes my partner will break up with me. :S

Did the same with Lionel. :( So back on working on myself. :)

Stressed Out

My 29th birthday ended about 1 hour ago and I'm SUPER stressed out. Why? Well, I lost my job about 2 weeks ago, which is kinda good since that place was killing me softly. I thought it was killing my relationship with Hank as well but as time goes by, I've wondering if he's just not ready at all...I sometimes believe he's just not a good boyfriend.

If I take tonight, for example, now I'll start with what is most likely his point of view. He was SUPER tired, got maybe 2 hours of sleep only, felt awful for not having anything planned for my birthday and no gift... But he was acting up sooo much. Right when we're about to get to bed, I become EXTREMELY stressed out. I have to return some calls for jobs tomorrow, and I don't know...

I am feeling fat and ugly, sure since I'm not working in HELL(the company I worked for had a 4 letter name so it pretty much the same) anymore it's a little better but I still don't feel 100% confident about starting over in this condition. But I only got 1 month severance pay and about 2 weeks vacation to top that off. Hank does not do well with money and I'm getting worried. All at once.

He is not able to help because he wants to sleep, that's it!!! I get a hug after begging but I need more than that. I need more physical contact, not just words... I had to leave the room because I was crying. He didn't know what to do (mostly because he wanted to sleep and I was stressing him out, apparently). So there it is, I gotta go into blog therapy since my boyfriend is either unable or unwilling to help.

No sure which it is... I've been in need of therapy for a while. This is only the first of a series of post more than likely.

Yikes

I haven't been here in a while. Life is crazy and hectic. I've been living with my boyfriend since july and we've had our shares of ups and downs. Work has been a little hellish but it's getting better.

Is it me or people are quite racist? Almost everyday at work I hear of people who are prejudiced and wow... of course that wouldn't be towards black people, they wouldn't dare but come on, it's mostly arabs, etc. Does that contribute to my feeling of wanting to run the hell out of here? I've seen a couple of posts for "dream jobs". Well, actually "dream company". Some posts will be taken out tomorrow... Dilemma...

So more of me... I've realized a few things regarding relationship after seeing how some of my friends are stuck in a mess. Passionate love, the destructive one... if you don't know about it yet, listen to Eminem's "Love The Way You Lie". I have a friend living it now.

It reminded me of Dylan and me and I realized something. I WILL know when she is done and she will as well. I was over Dylan after I sent him a mature message where I wasn't mad or hurt, mostly just tired and definitely ready to move on. Sure, I had turned him down months before and was already into Hank but I wasn't quite over him then.

I would always turn my back and go back or he'd come back. Passionate love knows no reason, you can't think straight. You know it's wrong and destructive but you keep coming back for more. Been there, done that. What have I learned? Not much but if you are in a relationship where it is on and off but mostly off after a horrible fight and then you run back into each other's arms for some more fighting soon after, well... welcome to passionate love.

It's like a drug you can't escape from, you are always back. No matter how hard you want to walk away, it's like a part of you dies when you're apart. You used to be strong, now you are weak. You used to be proud, no you would beg. Don't know how to help you snap out of it, but I can tell you when you'll be done.

The moment you will step away tired, without a fight, no screaming, just resignation. The moment your heart will be hurting but your mind will tell it: "It's gonna be alright, I love myself more" and you'll believe it. The moment your heart will probably shatter into pieces but your mind will be at ease. Then it'll be over and you can use the next few years to learn and heal.

It may be passionate and intoxicating but if it makes you act crazy and irrational, it's not the right kind of love. It's like any other drug, bad and destructive...

All of my love and hopes towards Haïti

I'm am by far not a religious person. At all. I am, at best agnostic. I'm trying to be a Buddhist. Anyhow, all this to explain why I'm not saying my prayers are with Haïti. I do not pray. The world is joined together in one quest that is helping those in need in Haïti.

I have family in Haïti, not a lot and we don't keep contact but still...It is painful to watch the news and it enrages me to watch the reporters going around "reporting" and "filming" instead of helping. I don't care to be informed, join in and help. Wish I was there, wish I could do more than the little amount of money I contributed.

So far, everyone I know is lucking and have had good news regarding their family, some are still waiting and my hopes are with them and everyone else affected by this tragedy. The whole world is mourning and crying as we are hoping for the best and that the dead count is low.

Hope your family and loved ones are safe and once again, all my love and hope is with you, them and everyone else in Haïti.

Avatar Racist?

So I gotta rant about this article

Yes, I'm back. I'll just start with this and then go on with a much better post that does not refer to a fictional movie especially considering the situation the world is in right now.

So what's with all those stupid blog, news editorial etc. calling the movie "Avatar", racist? Refering to whoever wrote this article (sorry, I didn't bother to look at his name. Did notice he was white), are you trying to get some credit and have people say you're not racist?

You're trying to say that Avatar's have a resemblance to people of African descent? I am from african descent so I'll bite. Sure they do. Sure a "white" man helps the people of Na'vi. I'll tell you why...That dumb ass or any other accusing the movie of being racist should have actually watched that movie. Did those people need saving before the white men came around? No that I see, they were happy and leading a peaceful life unknowing of how ugly the world can be.

Then the white men show up with his own agenda and not caring of who or what gets destroyed in the way. I guess, only a white man would know the extend of what damage they could do and warn the people. Because in the end they do save themselves with the help of some white people. One of which desperately wants to become one of them, compare it to the wiggers. All this to say that if this movie is racist in any way, it is towards the white men.

The white men who mess up what was once a beautiful world. The white men controlled by greed...Enough said, the whole racism topic was just dumb and they say black people are always the one playing that card. Don't defend an issue that doesn't need to be defended.

Caught Up!!!

Wow, I haven't taken any time to update this blog. Why? Not so sure. Maybe because too much is happening and my brain can't seem to quite focus.


I need therapy...yeah, I've been trying to avoid it but hell, I'm not sure how I can really. Things are not going too bad. I have a great boyfriend (minus all the fighting but it's good now); a great job; bright future.

I'm still not sure what I want though. I am moving with my boyfriend next year. We've already bought some of the furnitures. That's a crazy move. My longest relationship if you stretch it out was 6 months!!! Yikes.

So of course, I'm kind of freaking out. But he remains calm, which helps a great deal. Anyhow, that's another story. I want to start my own business, I want to study in law and eventually become a lawyer. Wow, that's a lot. With more payments on the way. I shall freak out!!! Lol

So I'm caught up in my thoughts, my feelings, my memories. Time is driving me nuts. Lately I can't get enough of Hank. I have to be with him almost every night. Plus I lost my iPhone and we couldn't even communicate at some point.

Getting a new cell today! Finally! The punch is...it is not an iPhone!!!

I kinda got tired of the hype. Especially when they told me the price without a contract because I'm only one year into mine. 600$ plus about 80$ a month. Are you crazy?

Luckily, I ended up getting a great deal for them to apologize for an horrible service. Anyhow, those are my updates. For now. I have more to write like my journey with my natural hair etc.

Stay tune, I'm making an effort!!! (About time!) Hihi, and thanks for reading. Very appreciated.

Roses Are Red...

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet;
And so are you

I don't think a day goes by that I don't think of how lucky I am to have found you. I am happy to have you in my life; I don't know what more I could ask for. We rarely argue but even when we do love is always stronger than pride and we always kiss and make up. I was secretely hoping the day would come when I'd meet the love of my life but at the same time, I'm not sure I never really believed.

In all the ways that matter, you are exactly how I imagined you would be. In all the ways that don't really matter, you are more than I imagined you would be. And finally in all the ways that don't matter at all, well, since you couldn't be perfect, you are not quite what I imagined!

I love you baby, forever and always.

This is a message to my love. You guys get to read it before he does... I can never seem to get enough of him and I'm even abandonning my blogs!!! Lol, but I'm back. I know his intention was not for me to be weirded out because I had given him the address. Plus I trust him not to read it without telling me. Because we are so open with one another, our relationship is doing great.

Six months in about two weeks. What's to say? Well, we are all in the positive. :) Only one major arguement that could have led the relationship to an end but it was mostly misunderstandings, poor communication etc. We've grown past it and we're stronger. I can't get enough of him either! Lol

I on the path to becoming a bouddhist, maybe. It is hard...I know I've always wanted it but with all I know now...I don't know, it's not easy. Because bouddhism is a lot about meditation, I should get started. This way I would without a doubt know if this is right for me. I mean, I use to meditate a lot in the past. It's never hurt anyone, has it?

Until next time...

Looking for Peace

So I figured maybe I should write a post...Maybe it would help. I also figured maybe I should cry...Stop pretending to be so damn strong...Yesterday I cried...Didn't want Robert seeing me like this. It's just something he said...I am not perfect; far from it. I am a very insecure person at times because of my past and my constant fear to love. The day before yesterday, Rob and I had a talk. I've been trying to stop biting my nails, I know he doesn't like it and I've been meaning to clean up my room so I can finally let him in.

But there it's like he sounded like my mom. To top it off came up with one of the stereotypes I can't stand the most which is that I'm a girl...Huh...so what? To add to it, well, I'm black so...whatever, didn't sit too well with me and I didn't want it to be an issue later on because I may try for my nails but I'm not sure of my success rate. My room will come around slowly if I don't feel any pressure. But that's enough to make me feel insecure. I'm scared of failure, those failure to me would equal letting him down and that I don't want to do. :(

I sometimes feel like he's trying to cure me of all those little bad habits I have and I love that he's doing that but unfortunately, it's deep down into me. Perfectionism, my obsessive compulsive personality...Just giving me food is complicated. I also like to check what I'm being told, not that I think he's full of bull but when I'm always told something and then I'm told otherwise, I'll look it up. He seems to think it's because I doubt him.

I don't know, right there, he seemed annoyed/mad and I asked him what was wrong and he said I kept finding something wrong in all he does. That was a little more than I could handle...He left me alone for a few minutes; we were at Kelly and she was in the kitchen with her new man, okay, not quite her man yet, but I hope he will be. She deserves a guy like him. Anyhow, I wanted to cry and the bathroom is in the kitchen so I waited for everyone to come back and I went in there.

He came to get me because I told them to start the movie without me. I couldn't go back in the living room the way I was. So he saw me cry...Makes it worst. Like I told him, I don't want him feeling like he can't tell me how he feels because I'll end up crying...That's not me. I want the communication to work.

Only there's one thing I realize...I may be insecure and it all has to do with my past but there's more...A lot more.and I don't know what to do, how to deal with it. Maybe because I never had, really. I just buried it inside and mention it sometimes like I was over it but I'm not.

It's been four years...February 2005...it coincides with my break-up to Lionel. His picture is on my computer but I never cared to see him. I just didn't even think about deleting them, forgot about them because he wasn't on my mind and definitely not in my heart. But the day before yesterday, I looked for his picture (long story) but anyways...had a weird effect on me. I know Robert saw it too but he seemed to think I was not indifferent to Lionel and that's not what it was...

Lionel and I are long over and I would NEVER want to get back together and feel anything more than pity or resentment towards him (and I'm not a fan of the use of never especially not capitalized but this time it's well worth it). Sad truth is I don't even resent him...I resent myself. It's with myself I didn't make peace. No need to look it up my old posts, I never mentioned it I believe. It's not what I did to have him break up with me that I'm dealing with. It's what he did not long after the breakup. And how he led me to believe it was my fault and I fell for it. How I never forgave myself.

This is so hard for me...I'm crying and I can barely stop, I spent a great deal of my sleep time with nightmares, reliving that day. Either being back in that same spot with him on top of me or looking at the scene from a distance wondering what happened and why I wasn't stronger...Why I didn't stop it...Actually, I never really mentioned anything on my blog...well not that one or the preceding one...The break-up was in another blog of mine but anyhow. Actually, I may have deleted those posts even...

Anyhow, I'll get back to making peace. Lionel and I came to an end right before Valentine's Day 2005...I kinda made sure of that, I wanted the relationship to end. Since he broke it off, I said I would go get my things right before Valentine's Day and have a single girls evening with my friend and I had to get my stuff back. He refused. Pretty much said he still expected us to spend Valentine's together and that I could only have my things back on the 15th because he had plans the 2 days before when I could've gotten my things.

He was lying of course and did end up telling me I'd spend Valentine's with him or would not celebrate at all...What an horrible evening...Between crying and trying to eat, discussing our relationship for the first time like adults, his sister visiting with her boyfriend...The card I had given him...I couldn't take it anymore and was glad to get out when it was over. We'd stay friends we said...

Yeah, let's talk about his idea of being friends because it definitely wasn't mine. Got to his place to spend an afternoon, about a week after the break-up; I had plans later I think. It was a hot summer day so I had one of my mini skirts on and a cute T-shirt. I never fully understood what happened until reading an article in Cosmo. Now I will advise everyone to go read the article by clicking on that link. There was no alcohol involved in my case though, and I clearly said no...More than once...maybe not as strongly after the first two times but I did...This is what I meant in the post "Closure" when I said he wouldn't respect my "no".

I have to make peace, I have to tell the story...I arrived at his place and we were talking and things were cool. I'd told Lionel already that I'm not so much for friends with benefits and if it's over, I don't see the point of still being intimate with one another. I don't quite recall all the events and exactly how it happened. I didn't try seducing him, that much I know although he seemed to think the mini itself was an invitation...

I think I went to the bathroom which was right in front of the bedroom pretty much and when I got out, he was there...This is hard, I've never told the whole story...I buried it in my head mostly. I couldn't possibly be a victim...Anyhow...this is for any girl who's ever been in my situation or anything similar. I'm not going to be an hypocrite and say it's alright to be a victim because I still don't feel that way...Well, actually, it is alright to be a victim, and you shouldn't be ashamed about it. It's not your fault. Here's my story from the part that I recall...

I ended up in the bedroom with Lionel who was getting a little too close for comfort. I have this whole thing with personal space that I don't like invaded. I explained to Lionel how we'd talked about being friends with benefits and I didn't think it was a good idea yet, if ever, for many reasons...He didn't care to hear me and was touching me anyways. Mind you, I still had feelings for him, and maybe was still reacting to his touch, still I wanted to be stronger and knew I didn't want or should have sex with him. I told him to stop but he wouldn't quit, said something like he knew I liked it and should just let myself go.

My body refused to follow my head and it seemed he had no intention to stop so I was going in a panic mode trying to get away but he wouldn't let me. When we ended up falling on the bed, I told him no. But he wouldn't take a no for an answer, I told said again, "please stop" and tried getting away from under him to leave the room but he just replied with something along the lines of how I liked it and it was ok. I when pretty numb at that moment...just laid there...Even after he was done and left the room, I couldn't move...I just cried and cried...Felt so dirty and disgusting...I finally got up and looked for my panties; I still had my skirt on. Went to the bathroom to freshen up and work up the courage to face him...

He was on his computer, playing as always that game, I've grown to hate...World of Warcraft...I told him I had to go and he said okay. Just okay...Got up after getting out of where he was because of course, he can't leave the character just anywhere...Gave me a big hug, said to be careful and got back to his computer. Got out of his apartment with my vision all blurry, trying hard not to fall down the awful stairs both inside and outside. I should've loved the fresh air but it couldn't put my mind to ease. Once at home, I abused that shower, didn't want to get out, wanted to die right there.

I still didn't get it. Lionel and I were friends with benefits almost a year. Never had another episode like the first but it was no use ever saying no anyways, he'd insist and I'd cave in knowing he wouldn't care for my no anyways. That's what I meant in my post "Closure". I hated myself in the end. I wrote him a long e-mail once to explain to him how I didn't want to have sex with him most of the time we would have sex and for whatever reason, he didn't seem to understand. He played the "I feel bad card but you say no and your body's saying yes". Funny how he was the only guy I've ever had that problem with. Yet, made me freak out with every man I spent time with after him.

So Lionel, pretended to help me understand how not to send mixed signals by helping me identify what made me react...I don't know why it never crossed my mind again that if I'd never had a problem with ANY other man when my body was saying yes ANYWAYS why would I need to learn when to put a stop to it?

I freaked out on so many boys including Dylan and I'd always have a stupid excuse for myself as to why I freaked out. I freaked on Dylan just because he kissed me and started touching me...He told me we wouldn't do anything and in the past he'd make good of his promise but still...I didn't have sex for a little over 2 years after. I'm still mad at myself for letting him take advantage of me like that. Mad at myself for letting this define a big part of my life and still affect me today because I refused to face it.

I know how my attitude makes Robert feel, I've dealt with that in the past with Lionel. But I don't know how my being insecure makes him feel...I need him to still be able to communicate with me. I don't want to have to get into details about this with him like I'm doing on this blog. This is my therapy...I love my man and I don't need this haunting me...But I already feel much better...I have all I need to be happy...Now I just need to make peace once and for all...

In Search Of Sense...?

I won't modify the title of my blog. Sounds too weird without love. But I have found my love. :D Hank completes me, makes me feel whole. I can't believe any woman was crazy enough to let it go but apparently it happened. Lucky for me. Although he's suffered in the past and I think that is unfortunate. But he said something once...That all those bad relationships and the hurt that followed makes him appreciate me and my love even more.

So we're pretty much official since Christmas...And guess what...we already got into the issue of moving in together!!! Here it's July 1st that everyone moves so pretty soon I'd say but this is forever anyways so might as well go for sooner than later. We can't get enough of one another. Lol, wow, whenever I'm next to him, I want to hold him, kiss him, make love to him. Wow, crazy, just crazy.

On my search of sense...well, I may have gotten rid of anything numeric I had related to Lionel or Dylan but I just found out something on paper...And also realized I had not cleaned up my compu as well...Oops...Dunno why, I might keep anything paper I've ever written...Because I don't want to forget? Mind you, it's nothing good what's written, no worries about that but still...I wanna know why I want to keep them...

Closure...

There comes a point in your life when you realize
who matters,
who never did,
who won't anymore...
and who always will.

So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

Don't know who that quote is from but anyways...This is now all I have to say about closure. I've tried, looked for it only to end up with more heartache.

Was I looking for closure when I messaged back Lionel after he answered one of my forwards? Mind you, the boy sent me some forwards in the past but when I do, he answers?? Wtf?? Anyhow...first time he replied, I ignored, I wasn't going to go through the motions again. Second time around he writes: "And no congratulations on my wedding?"

About a week later I answer: "Ah, well, Congrats." Thought he'd get the message but he comes back with: "Good enough!" and then proceed to write about where he's at (Toronto) and his life and his fiance (mind you he's not married yet...still some hope for her.) Lol, anyhow he talks his non sense and says his future wife is Muslim.

I finally take time to write a big message to say what's going on with me, avoiding of course, meeting Hank etc. I definitely don't need advice or anything else he would've come up with. I told him about finding a great job and quitting the crappy one I had now, about nothing really but it looked like a lot. Lol, and I asked him if he was fully Muslim since he was reading the Koran when we were done.

His answer was rich and reminded me why I stopped talking to him in the first place. From him saying he was now fully Muslim and it wasn't so hard to convert because he was already a very good person at heart (yeah...huh, whatever) to saying he couldn't do anything before being married. And that it was probably easy because I wasn't there to tempt him.

Oh, I was mad...I wasn't going to answer. But I did...Why? Here it goes...

On December 25th, I received the greatest present I could have ever asked for...Hank told me he loved me...I almost cried. He held my hands, looked me in the eyes and said: "Caroline, I love you..."

I've had guys telling me they loved me before, I thought it would last forever. I've loved in the past and even thought the same. But no one had EVER done it like that. So simply and with such sincerity.

I wanted to tell him I loved him. I definitely felt it. But it didn't feel quite right...yet.

I got home and slept. When I woke up, I knew what I wanted...I wanted a life with Hank. I wanted to take a chance on what to me, finally appeared to be true love. I know it seems all too quickly but it's just sooo right. I know why I love him and that's a HUGE change for me.

He knows what he wants, he's mature, he treats me with the uttermost respect, he makes me feel special, he's intelligent, funny, cute, well mannered, you name it. I'd clone him for you single ladies out there but I think I'd wanna keep the clones for me too! ;)

So back to me waking up...I turned on my computer. I hesitated between not answering at all to Lionel or give him some sort of explanation he wouldn't get anyways and I chose the latter.

So I wrote to him that it was better he never wrote to me ever again. That I was happy and didn't need him in my life. That his thinking we were too alike to be happy couldn't be more wrong because for everything that matter we couldn't be further opposites.

I also told him somehow we seemed to bring out the ugliness in the other and that it was best this way but that the main reason I wanted to stop talking to him he could find it at the end of his message.

I added that he didn't respect me and never had and that I was happy he'd found his virgin to marry and maybe he'd treat her right since that's what he'd been waiting for. I then erased any message I had from him or sent to him and deleted his contact address.

I read his reply quickly when it arrived of him complaining that I sure didn't want him to be happy for long hearing from me. How he respected me and if he'd done anything to make me think otherwise, I should have told him. As if I hadn't. What was I suppose to do with a man that wouldn't even respect my "no"?

I did the same for Dylan. And I thought it'd be hard for Dylan...After 7 years, I still wasn't sure if I could move on. But I did, and it felt normal. I sent him a message to wish him all the best above all, love. Told him we had nothing to tell each other anymore and he seemed to have realized that sooner than I did since anyways, I hadn't heard from him since his "invitation".

And that was it! I was sending a card to Hank telling him I loved him...

Now that is closure to me...It doesn't come from anyone else then you. When you learn to let go. Surprisingly, I don't even miss Dylan, I'm too happy. I've finally found a man that knows how to love me. :)

And I'm happy...

Head In The Clouds...

So, I was pretty confused after the episodes with Hank. This was not like me although I kind of knew why, it still didn't make 100% sense. I'd never ask him what he was looking for so I ended up assuming I was now stuck with a "friend with benefits". Mind you, I don't care for that very much, I don't think those relationships can really turn into something but that's me.

I was in "issue avoidance" mode. I wasn't going to talk about it because I didn't know how to squeeze him in my life. I kept telling Kelly despite all that, it's not a friend with benefits I was looking for so I felt kinda stupid for not thinking. And Kelly would patiently tell me: "I've seen the way this boy looks at you. He wants so much more for you than this."

He went head first in bringing up the subject which caught me by surprise. I wasn't ready and I'd settle that for...hummm...nothing? I have no clue. But in no uncertain terms, he let me know he wasn't looking just for fun. The more I'd talk to him, the more I'd feel I was developing feelings for him. We had so much in common, our views on life and all. :)

After a couple of cancellations which led me to believe he wasn't interested at all. We finally had a date. Yay!!! Lol, he said nothing would stop him; not the fatigue nor the snow, so lol, I told Kelly his excuse would be the cold. And a cold day it was...lol, when he called me to change plans, for a moment there I thought he wanted to cancel and I was about to give him the boot!!!

Anyhow, we ended up playing pool, we both suck at it although, he's slightly better than me. He tries to get the balls in the holes and successes at times, whereas I just want to hit a ball....Any ball...

So back to it. The more we talked, the more I had the impression I was talking to myself. It's like on most of things we thought the same way or had the same view. From thereon, I couldn't help but wonder what Kelly told him about me. But then it stroked me. Kelly didn't know me well enough to know all those aspects of my personality!!!

It's like I had found my clone...Come to think of it I was falling in love. We had some more dates and it'd be so great spending time with him, talking to him, I'd end up letting him go around 5 am...Hihi, and no sex at all. I have to admit, I wanted to check how serious he was and if he was just playing me. I thought he'd lose interest if he wasn't for real.

But he was still around...And I was secretly happy.I knew I was falling in love, this was unlike anything I'd ever felt. I kept listening to love songs and I was trying to deny it because it was just too soon, didn't make sense to me. But how long can you wait???

Have I ever loved, really? I've had a feeling take control of me; lose all common sense, accept so much more than I should have. I remember a couple of years back and I may have mentioned it in my old blog but I put for a msn nick after it was done with Lionel: "I want love, not sacrifice."

I have a friend who I love very deeply but not that way tell me: "Love is sacrifice. See, I found love but deep down you'll always be the one I truly love." I didn't know what to make of that. For starters it didn't make sense and I also thought he was "over me". Not that we ever dated, but he was my first and although I thought I loved him that night, I realized I was mistaking affection for love.

Not sure I'll ever know what he meant by that, he never explained but what I meant was love requires some sacrifices from both...it is not suppose to be a sacrifice itself. That was unfortunately the way I'd felt in every relationship I had. Forget all about you and it's gonna be all about him. Basically, sacrifice who you are and all you want if it'll make him happy.

But I've learned and you'll find out soon enough...

Trapped...

Boy oh, boy...Last Saturday was something else. Blew me right out of my element. For a while there I was wondering what I had in mind. Haha, I'm keeping the best for last, like what this title means...Anyways, there was a long awaited party to celebrate Obama's victory although we're Canadian, it's a brother so it was a must.

I'm not even sure where to start. There definitely was some drinking involved...Well a LOT of drinking, I left my car at Kelly's (no drunk driving, it's bad!!!) Anyhow, I invited Tracey (aka the skank) by accident(long story but to make it short, I wanted to save Kelly the drama) plus Tracey had told Kelly she was sick. :(

Pamela told me she wouldn't come Lana canceled last minute...Kim, lol, who had other plans that got canceled and told me she wouldn't come ended up coming. Wow, I had fun!!! A great inspiring toast was made...I don't really remember it word by word but it was a good one.

So, this is almost over, lol, I'm done rambling...one drink and I was...pretty tipsy I'd say. Then second drink; ouf! I LOVE Smirnoff Cosmopolitan's! Anyways, I've been much more drunk in my life but that was something still. Hank was frustrating me. Talking to me for a minute, then leaving, then talking to another girl. Then all of a sudden, back. Grrr...!

Later on in the night, pretty much when I'm giving up and decide to just poor myself another drink and forget about the boy; he enters the kitchen. And what an entrance!!! The kitchen is pretty small and it's just one way in and out really and not many people can stand inside really, I'd say you have less than a meter in between both counters. So he gets in and I'm kinda making a move to get out when I realize he's walking right "into" me. Of course, I do like anyone would do, I back up...until I hit the back wall.

Now anyone who knows me well knows I'm a control freak among other things. That was not very good (ok, it was kinda hot but with me...) So Kim who knows me pretty well came in but right before that, Hank had started talking and touching my waist. Normally I would've told him to stop but hmmm...I'll explain what happened later only figured it out today. Well all this to say that by the time Kim came in, lol, I didn't mind anymore.

To get back to Hank, he's saying he's drunk and he wants to see me drunk as well because I seem to have this line of conduct and it seems like no one or nothing will make me cross it. So I was trying to get him to understand I was already drunk and that I'd been drunk in the past that I wasn't that bad although I do know I'm a control freak.

Hihi, I'm skipping details. First thing I thought of when I woke up on Sunday" was: "Oh crap, I did have sex with Hank...and we got caught by this girl who wanted him (check Uneventful Night post for details).

Kelly doesn't get it. Probably because we're very different. She's very promiscuous and I'm not. I LOVE sex but not with just anybody. The person I have sex with is much more important to me than having sex. So I had to find out what happened with Hank.

Only once before, years ago, had a boy been able to make me do something almost crazy. I knew he was a player and yet I couldn't help myself...Malik...his name meant King in Arabic apparently. Told me the first night we met. Brought me all the way to a sleazy motel where we fooled around. And we saw each other some more. Until the day I freaked because I realized the effect he had over me and thought he said he loved me. We still talk now every once in a while and I remember telling him there was just something about him that I couldn't help myself.

Sunday night, I saw Hank again; we didn't talk much (again). Awkward hihi, Kelly was watching porn with the boys. Anyways, pretty much when we're about to leave Hank says I'm not going anywhere and tells Kelly he's kidnapping me. Lol, he holds me from behind and pretends he won't let me go. Lol, I actually liked that...

Kelly's boyfriend was on his way to her place so I couldn't have much private time with Hank. Skipping details, we didn't actually have sex but did fool around, I wasn't expecting anything to happen at all, weird. Wow, I'm bad. Can't even believe I'm writing it. May it serves me to remember just in case I later regret.

Well, the why...

I'm a control freak and that's okay it's part of my many insanities and I deal with them fine enough. I read something on google while doing a research on control freaks because I had to get to the bottom of it. Turns out, it's nothing much...it's all in the way you handle the person. I'm some sort of a type 1 mixed with a bit of type 2, here is the link to the article.

So if you look on how to deal with a control freak, the answer is right there. It really is all Hank and Malik ever had in common. I'm not that bad but I do freak out a lot and if someone stands too close especially a guy, I'm in panic mode and out of my comfort zone. Kelly was saying he took me out of it but that's not exactly what happened. It's like he momentarily changed it. He became my comfort zone; meaning I could trust him and didn't feel scared with him around.

To me, of course, this rings: "Outcome not so good" but I may be wrong...I think that of every guy anyways. ;) I have to point out especially how the sex was good. Ouf, never been that good since Malik actually. Because I could totally let go with him too? Anyways, after Kevin, that was pretty good. :)

So I've had Kevin who was mixed and now Hank who's black. Will I be able to prove if it's right or wrong that saying that says: "Once you go black, you never go back?". Well, if that's true, a huge goodbye to Dylan! LOL