Round and Round We Go

I stopped writing for a while. My relationship with Malik went down the drain shortly after my last post. I tried once again to salvage something that was meant to die. 

So on I go back to a new ferry ride round and  round we go. I start working on my self-esteem, think I'm good, get into a relationship and "poof", magically at some point, I let a boundary be ignored and there it starts. Seems I am more compassionate to others than myself. 

That is actually true...I don't hold others to the same standards I do for myself...probably because they are impossible to meet or if I can't do it myself how can I ask that of someone else?

So much to say, there will be multiple posts including, yet another, failed relationships. I think that one takes the cake at how I royally mistreated myself and ended up to the lowest I have ever been. I guess I'm stuck in a rut.  That one weakness that I've known for a while came back to bite me in the ass...nothing new. 

So far since the year started I've been on a trip, dated one guy, been on sick leave, saw a psychologist and am still seeing a counsellor. It has been a roller coaster and the ride wasn't always fun. I want to keep my posts short so I will have to go into details on the next post.---will be soon, promise

Labels - Sense

****Some posts never published. Better late than never****

Malik doesn't like labels. That is one of the things I've taken away from the multiple arguments we had in the last few months  

I'm just happy we pushed through it and can finally be happy now. We are stronger. 

I like labels. They make me feel safe, in a way. I am not alone, others are like me, it brings some comfort. 

On the flip side, they can be viewed as horrible and limiting...kind of like stereotypes...maybe that's what's getting to him, he's never been one for stereotypes, much.

I am fully embracing my BDSM tendencies. I fully embrace being a "little"...I guess for him, not so much.  

I don't call him "daddy", I find it weird. Truth be told until recently, we never explicitly discussed what we are. 

He showed some opening in exploring BDSM online and what people are saying, their experience, their type of kinks. I was happy he showed more opening towards the labels. I know it's because he knows it makes me feel safe. He's happy with being viewed as an outsider, it's been this way all his life. 

I figured when he gets to Canada, we'll go to an event, make friends and learn together how much more there is to discover about this lifestyle that fits us so well. Labels don't matter to me as much as acceptance, I guess.