Round and Round We Go

I stopped writing for a while. My relationship with Malik went down the drain shortly after my last post. I tried once again to salvage something that was meant to die. 

So on I go back to a new ferry ride round and  round we go. I start working on my self-esteem, think I'm good, get into a relationship and "poof", magically at some point, I let a boundary be ignored and there it starts. Seems I am more compassionate to others than myself. 

That is actually true...I don't hold others to the same standards I do for myself...probably because they are impossible to meet or if I can't do it myself how can I ask that of someone else?

So much to say, there will be multiple posts including, yet another, failed relationships. I think that one takes the cake at how I royally mistreated myself and ended up to the lowest I have ever been. I guess I'm stuck in a rut.  That one weakness that I've known for a while came back to bite me in the ass...nothing new. 

So far since the year started I've been on a trip, dated one guy, been on sick leave, saw a psychologist and am still seeing a counsellor. It has been a roller coaster and the ride wasn't always fun. I want to keep my posts short so I will have to go into details on the next post.---will be soon, promise

Learning the Errors in Our Ways

I'm still in love...there was a really rough patch with Malik. Rough and painful. I have learned one thing...someone who loves you very much can become a monster when depression rears it's ugly head in. 

He was mean, hurtful with his words. Sure it may not have seen like much to be told that I'm a grown-up to stop acting like a child, that I am not stupid and I should not be weak...

Seems harmless, in a way, right? 

Not for me...going through this journey where I'm learning, growing, I found out I'm a "little". A woman-child if one may wonder. He's always been my protector and could easily access this part of me that other men can't. 

The other day, a friend mentioned how she's always viewed me as strong and it's though to make me cry except when it comes to Malik...

Maybe it's my fault, I've always had an issue with opening up, always wanted to give the strong vibe. I didn't want to cry, I despised that sensitive part of me that wanted to bring me to tears so often and reminded me of the stereotype of a week woman...

I don't see it as a stigma anymore...did I tell my friend, no...still wondering why. I guess even though I am a submissive some part of me still likes to be seen as the strong one. Only with Malik will I submit but not be "weak", nevertheless. 

Now, we got through it, I learned sometimes, I can't be a little with him. I have to be an adult, level with him, be there for him. LISTEN to his cues and be less self-centered. It was a painful learning experience but a necessary one. Was his method the right one? Probably not. 

I forgave him as he forgave me and we discussed communication between us again. 

Next post is about labels which sometimes however restrictive they can be seen, can provide some understanding. 

Labels - Sense

****Some posts never published. Better late than never****

Malik doesn't like labels. That is one of the things I've taken away from the multiple arguments we had in the last few months  

I'm just happy we pushed through it and can finally be happy now. We are stronger. 

I like labels. They make me feel safe, in a way. I am not alone, others are like me, it brings some comfort. 

On the flip side, they can be viewed as horrible and limiting...kind of like stereotypes...maybe that's what's getting to him, he's never been one for stereotypes, much.

I am fully embracing my BDSM tendencies. I fully embrace being a "little"...I guess for him, not so much.  

I don't call him "daddy", I find it weird. Truth be told until recently, we never explicitly discussed what we are. 

He showed some opening in exploring BDSM online and what people are saying, their experience, their type of kinks. I was happy he showed more opening towards the labels. I know it's because he knows it makes me feel safe. He's happy with being viewed as an outsider, it's been this way all his life. 

I figured when he gets to Canada, we'll go to an event, make friends and learn together how much more there is to discover about this lifestyle that fits us so well. Labels don't matter to me as much as acceptance, I guess. 

Down to my knees - Sense

I am a submissive...

Now I'm letting that thought sink in. I had a though time accepting it because it seemed like it was going against my true nature but once I accepted it, it made total sense.

Now, how did I discover and came to term with my submissive self?

I think it was a mix of everything. Malik was clearly a dominating man. Although he clearly represented what I would normally rebel against, he tapped into a special part of me and I was willing to just do as he said; up to a certain extend, of course, but I never felt bad if I said no. In fact, he pretty much said it for me once. 

I was trying to get Hank to be more "manly" , I tried to instroduce some BDSM in our sex life, he didn't get it. With Malik, it was natural and I wanted to. Although he can be quite in touch with his feminine side, I see him as a man. A pure man, not a metrosexual. He wants as D/s relationship which we would be "versatile". I go with the quotes because from the feel of it, he will decide when I get to be dominant. 

I don't mind it.  

I think that's what shocked me. It's like something clicked. 

Let's review, shall we?

I always had a tendancy to be attracted to my superiors so long as they were within age range, like no more than 15 yrs older. I'd say it started with Dylan but that is sooo not true, I remember being attracted to the trainer from my first job, them the head cashier. Before him, a teacher in high school when I was about 14, etc...I was sexually drawn to male authority figures...Overall, men with "power". 

I never made anything out of it until recently. It's like they all had that magnetism and although, sometimes, I would rebel, part of my would fantasize they would put me back in my place. Never quite happened, Dylan certainly did not live up to my expectations. Hank, I was trying to make him be more rough, show me who was the man, take back his "rightful" place instead of whining like a little baby that I wouldn't let him be a man...

I crave to be dominated, disciplined and...punished.

On the other hand, although I wanted to be a cop, I had a love/hate relationship with authority. I developed a rebel side to fight over injustice. I think it was developed out of necessity because I was seeing abuse around me. I also believe I've had my share of abusive relationship including the one with Hank. My relationship with Malik is differs in the sense that he will respect a no, I can communicate to him my soft and hard limits and we'll work with that. He is amazing. 

Right now we are in a long distance Daddy/Little Girl relationship type which works out for me. He appreciates the childish side of me, pretty much encourages it. He wants to spoil me silly and watch over me. Also, of course, watch over eventual children. He has a very nurturing personality and he makes me happy. 

This is all for now. More in another post. ;)

"NEVER let another man make your woman smile". - Love

Hihi, I believe the most I ever posted about my current boyfriend was: "Only once before, years ago, had a boy been able to make me do something almost crazy. I knew he was a player and yet I couldn't help myself...Malik...his name meant King in Arabic apparently. Told me the first night we met. Brought me all the way to a sleazy motel where we fooled around. And we saw each other some more. Until the day I freaked because I realized the effect he had over me and thought he said he loved me. We still talk now every once in a while and I remember telling him there was just something about him that I couldn't help myself."

So it's been about 9 years, since I last saw him in the flesh. On my old blog in March 2005, I said he was a "fling definitely not the one". Well, I'll have to take that back, apparently. Since May 20th, we have been a couple. He made a new grand entrance back in March...so how does it happen that I fall in love with an old fling from 9 years ago who lives abroad? Bare with me, will you?

I met Malik on doyoulookgood.com, not sure if the site even exists still but back in the days you could rate someone's appearance from 1-10, send them a message, whatever. Very superficial, very not me, but hey, sometimes you have nothing better to do. 

Malik sends me a message. He is DROP DEAD GORGEOUS!!! His message is super simple but refreshing. I think it was along the lines of: "How are you? I was wondering what is the craziest thing you've ever done?" Can't quite remember my answer, it mainly had to do with what I wanted to, such as parachute and bungee jumping. Gave me his number, asked for mine, we hit it off right away!

Talked on the phone over an hour, agreed to a meeting fairly quickly. Hihi, I still remember the day we met. He gave me an appointment at Presse-Cafe downtown on St-Denis. He had a winter hat on his head which he refused to remove, he was soooo hot. He arrived before me and stood when I came in. We were sitted less than 2 minutes when he said: "How about we go to a real place for a drink instead? I know a nice Porto house near by."  I said "Sure." and I followed him. I'm starting to wonder if the first appointment was in a well lit place just to insure I wasn't ugly since the lighting at the other place was pretty dimmed. Hihihi

I had a great time, but had my "player alerts" were going crazy. He was too perfect, too sweet, too charming, my guards were falling and I couldn't help myself, I was mesmerized by him. The rest is what was mentioned before. 

Now I was far from being naive, I knew he was seeing other women but certainly less when he met me since I occupied a LOT of his time. We saw one another almost everyday for a month before he had to leave about a month and a half later. After I ran away, he tried to see me again, I wouldn't return his calls and when I did, I was "busy" and couldn't see him. I was overall scared, if you ask me today, at the time, I didn't understand. I did not like the hold he had on me.

He asked to see me before going to a business trip. Would last about 2 weeks, I waited last minute to call him back and it was too late. Said we would go for supper when he got back. Well, it took him 9 years to be back. From there, he had to go back to his home country where his dad fell ill. Was supposed to be a matter or a few weeks but then weeks turned to months, months to years and I was already living my life although we remained friends. 

Little did I know, when I started to dig deep into myself to start the healing process, I noticed Malik had more importance in my life than I thought, in how he made me feel beautiful as a woman, got me to liberate myself, kills my anxiety just by talking, writing or being near...and little did I realize what my friends knew years ago: I was and still was in love with that man. I think Hank knew it too. It didn't help our relationship when I had Malik around consoling me, being there for me and showing Hank every opportunity he missed. Like the quote says: "NEVER let another man make your woman smile".

Malik makes me smile all the time, we have a special bound since he didn't forget me after all this time and I didn't forget him. I had my doubts about him coming back thinking it may have to do with residency or whatever but when he left, he had his papers and he demonstrated interest numerous times. I was just too blind to see. We've had our ups and downs with distance getting in the way. Too few moments on the phone or with Skype but he'll be here by the end of December if all goes well. 

He was the only man who could "tame" me so far. I admire him, I want to be with him and make him happy. I want to be his wife, to be patient and loving, I don't understand how I could want to please someone so much. He was always there for me, even at a distance. When my grandpa died, I texted him and he knew something was wrong. I told him my grandpa died, he called and condoled me for over an hour. Hank told me to call a girlfriend, go home and he'd see me when I was better because he couldn't deal with me crying. Malik was there whenever I was hurt and would listen. Back when we were seeing one another, he was always gentle and sweet. Almost felt like a relationship but he was also a boy with too much money. 

And I mean a boy! He had so much to learn, to go through, to grow as a human being. I don't regret, as I never do, running away from him all those years back. He would've broken my heart whether he wanted it or not. He said it himself, he is now a man and wants to settle down. It will be with me whether it's in Canada or wherever if for whatever reason he can't get his visa (long story short, he lost his permanent residency or he would've been here 4 yrs ago). He admitted a few days back that he always knew I was in love with him but didn't with the distance and circumstances, he never made a move. When he first planned to come back 4 yrs ago, I had been rather harsh when I told him I was in a relationship. He hinted he would make a move and I wanted things to be clear. Fast forward to now, can't wait, in love and hoping for the best! :)

That's the first half of Malik and I. I could just change my blog or let it die since I can now be positive I have found love AND sense. This is the love part. I can now be true to myself and I understand my nature because I am not afraid with Malik. There's a lot I need to explain since I discovered something SUPER important about myself that I'm not sure how I could've missed, or maybe, I wasn't ready yet. All part if the next post about "Sense". ;)

Think Like a Man

"Even when I'm a mess

I still put on a vest

With an S on my chest

Oh yes

I'm a Superwoman"

  -Superwoman, Alicia Keys

Now this post is dedicated to two dear friends of mine whose situation and goals in life couldn't be more at opposite from one another but one has read the book I am referring to and sent me the article saying she agreed with the critic and wanting to know what I thought; the other would definitely agree with the critic as well.

So before you continue reading, do your homework

A) Read "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" from Steve Harvey

B) Read the article (by Nico Lange) - Think Like a Man Isn't Just Sexist: It's Offensive to Pretty Much Everyone

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/1449409/

C) Get back to reading this post with an open mind

****WARNING*****

I could describe myself as a reformed feminist but I would rather say a "new" feminist. Now many will tag this as anti-feminist, be my guest, I won't stop you, agree or disagree, here is the response to my friend in regards to the book and the article. 

I'll start off by saying when I was single, I sometimes wondered why. Was it a shortage of good man, was I too picky, crazy, not good looking enough, unapproachable?

Well, it's more like the latter, in a way. But there again,  nothing new. What I never stopped to ask myself was: "What makes me unapproachable?" And "Why were all my relationships doomed?"

Now Steve Harvey will give you part of the story. The other parts, you'd have to start elsewhere. So let me say first before ANY woman looks into a relationship, she should start with getting her self-esteem on check where it needs to be. I recommend baggagereclaim.co.uk

by Natalie Lue, she rocks, that's all I have to say. Took me about a year and I'm still working on it sometimes but my self-esteem is much closer to what it should be. 

I'm here to make you think before I voice out my opinion and I have 2 questions for you. 

1) What is a woman?

Would I shock you if on top of the obvious for the genital parts, traits, reproductive capacity I added "the weaker sex"?

Of course, I would. (Well, I sure hope so), but there is a part of truth to it...

In all honesty (and given that I am a smart ass, this question only applies to heterosexual woman) 

2) Do you want to perceive your man as "weaker" than you are?

Be honest...

There! You are now ready for what follows. Love it, hate it, that's my opinion and I stick by it. 

"Who is Nico Lang?", I wondered after reading the article...well, he may not be the best guy to judge a book written for heterosexual women when he is gay and pro-feminist. Anyways, had to mention it because I believe it not only makes him bias but also the worst person to judge. 

I'll quote his words:" [...]teach women that they need to lie, borrow and steal to get into a relationship[...]"...euh, Nico, did we read the same book?

I'll mostly steer away from the critic because I find it was clearly written by a pro-feminist who see anything less than women wanting to be equal to men as sexist.

If you go back to question one as to what is a woman, you will noticed I talked about the weaker sex but that is not true, lets call it the "gentle sex". Women are normally caring, nurturing, sweet, docile, and so mych more. Those characteristics should be seen as quality that most men do not possess. It's very simple, I want to spin this around...Since when is "old school" bad? Why does a woman MUST be or act like a man to be considered strong?

Refer to the books title, it says: "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man", I think just that goes to say Mr. Harvey has nothing against strong, empowered women. In fact, the chapter "The Strong, Independent and Lonely Woman" is the one that spoke to me the most...I was PISSED!!!! Every feminist fiber of my being rebelled and yelled something along the lines of: "I will damn well stay alone, then".

I can tell pretty much the exact time my relationship with Hank had passed the point of no return. When I pretty much shoved it in his face how I did not see him as a man who could provide and how I took the man's place in the relationship. Yeah, I said it!!!! The.Man's.Place...

Something funny happened when I read the chapter again and thought to myself: "why not give it a try?" I was seeing Carl (remember him, lol) casually at the time and he was always the perfect gentleman, so I decided instead of fighting against it, say I'm picking up something and he offers to do it, I would let him...

W-O-W...I can't believe it was an "effort" for me to let a man do something for me...it kind of made me link my low-self esteem to feminism...why would letting a man take over make me seems weak or any less competent? I let him do and over the next few weeks, we were both happier and well, unfortunately it caused him to fall in love but that's another story. So yes, I agree, my man can take out the garbage, mow the lawn or whatever. If he's gone, I'll do it because I can, but while he's around, I can only see this as beneficial to both. 

I will have to point that I disagree about not being able to talk or shop,with your man, that's stupid from Mr. Harvey. It's a non-negotiable standard I have. Plus I read it a few months back I forgot most of it. Putting your foot down is not manipulation, it's standing up for yourself and your standards as well as your boundaries, etc. 

Now, a lot of us have forgotten what it's like to be a woman, sometimes because we chose the wrong mate. We MUST find a way to "let go" and let our man take charge sometimes. If you can't, ask yourself if you are with the right one. Easy to know what's going on, he'll be miserable if you don't take a step back sometimes

Some men are afraid of strong women altogether but most like a strong and independent woman so long as she loosens up around her man and is unafraid to let him lead. Most men  even EXPECT you to be strong, in the end it's always the woman holding the family together and that what matters most. Just let it flow how it need to go.

In a nutshell, be strong, dose the independence AND remain feminine

Interesting Potential for Love...

I can't wait to move. Hank is HORRIBLE! I'm being passive/aggressive by not cleaning but damn, he's going overboard! Wow, calling me a rubbish gay man, saying I should turn lesbian as no man would ever want me...wow, anyways. He disgusts me.

Being single is one thing (loving it). Being celibate another (though time ahead). :S Hank tried about twice two weeks ago to get into my pants. Actually 3 times, one of them I intentionally got his motor revving as personal vengeance.

I did not meet Julio he cancelled again and that was it for him! I met Carl a while back. Had our second date today and oh my! Okcupid made up for the fact I met only one person from their site so far was an horny idiot. Sue me! Lol, funny because the horny idiot sent me a few message last night telling me he thought things went well and I should've let him know if I wanted to call it quits. I gave him a chance to make amends, he miserably failed but helped me learn a lesson which I'll get back to very soon...

Last date with Lloyd was a TOTAL disaster! Lol, told me the best voice of music industry of all times is Chris Brown and best singers of all times Pitbull and Akon! Then he says he had to educate me music wise! Yikes, NEXT!!! Did I mention he asked we go chill at my place???! Didn't pay for my drink, didn't even hold the bartender! Grrr!!!

Quite the opposite, Carl is the perfect gentleman. Two dates, took me to exquisite restaurants, got the bill...adorable man! Yes, man! I'm not used to be treated like a queen, it's "different" but I'm getting used to it.

I realized, thanks to HI (Horny Idiot), I am guilt driven! Scary! My exes, who I was convinced went the extra distance for me as I run away from anything meaningful, are just crafty manipulators. It was actually more of "you won't even give me a chance because of what's happen in your past" and it made me feel guilty. Then he acts as if he's doing all the effort to get you. I just clicked they didn't do crap other than manipulate me. My emotional intelligence jumped one huge step up! :D

Carl, when he found out about how I run just said he hoped I would give him his chance and I should give it a try to see how things go as we never know what's in someone's mind. The guy is great, I say! ;)

The date was magical. It was Mother's Day but lol, with my hellish schedule it's hard to see one another. Night starts off with the hostess telling me I'm very beautiful! From out of nowhere! Lol, she said I was a natural beauty and she just felt compelled to tell me. Carl said she beat him to it. Lol, I even got a flower from the waitress although I was not a mommy. Said she beat him to that too! Lol ;)

The guy is sooo intelligent and educated, crazy. Shows chivalry is anything but dead and I must say I feel lucky to have met him. He's very charming, there is a little something about him, I find he's sexy in his own way although he seems bothered by being overweight. He ended the night with a kiss on the mouth. I hate the awkward moment when I'm never sure what the guy will do. Lol

I wasn't expecting the kiss but was hoping for it. It was great. I especially liked how he held me to kiss me and when he let go said: "we'll see each other again". Nothing sexier than a confident guy. I replied playfully: "Yes? You think so?" with a laugh. I'm trying not to get carried away. Wish I could fast forward to our next date. ;)

Though Times

Well, it's better at work but personal life is HARD!!! I have to be honest and say I'm in need of TLC, actually more than that.

The more I have to deal with Hank, the more I can't wait for it all to be over. It was probably about time but as he disgusts me, no way I would even turn to him even for a hug. I'm not really complaining, well not much! Being single is one thing, celibate another! Lol

I did not meet Julio yet, cancelled again. Clock is ticking for him. Lloyd, meh! Asked today if i was free this weekend to go out. Told him Sunday would work. He's bugged me a little from the start...never hear from here and he pops out of the blue to ask me out. Oh well...

My personal favorite is Carl, MUCH more interesting than all the others. By far! Will continue another time.

Back on Therapy

Wow, so much I'm still learning about myself! I turned 30 on March 14th, yeah!!! Single again since early December!!! Yeah, greatest thing to happen to me in ages.

Unfortunately the relationship with Hank lasted 2 1/2 years too long and moving in together was a poor idea! I'll spare details, wouldn't know where to start.

In a nutshell, selfish boy, girl in love, doesn't listen to her friend of just reason equals recipe for bad relationship and 3 wasted years. I say wasted but I still have no regrets.

I have learned more about me. Although there is a lot I already knew, I thought I had changed. I still can't quite end a relationship.

I tried a billion times with Hank but would always go back. And when he tried, I asked he give the relationship another go as I had done so many times before. A few weeks later, I was giving up and admitting he was right. My pride had gotten in the way that last time.

Back on dating sites. Met a few assholes and question marks! Lol, set to meet Julio tomorrow...might click, he's adorable but that may just be the problem...another Kevin? Hope not!

Not even going to bother getting a different name for Stephen as he will probably not be mentioned again. I'm not really superficial and he was kinda looking cute in his own way. I loved his sexy English accent and how he kept saying "madam".

Kinda cute. Tina thought he was SUPER ugly. Long story short, went for coffee, kinda hit it off but not only did you not invite but then you're hoping to get in my pants??? PASS!

Plus his teeth were a huge turnoff. Sure I'll cough up to a very heated conversation by SMS and by phone, probably because I try to please too much and when pressured sometimes I cave in a bit but damn, come on, I'm more than a piece of meat so NEXT!!

For a moment there, because I was convinced the sex would be good and my agreement to be friends with benefits with Hank is pretty much done (he disgusts me), I considered but no, I'll wait for a committed relationship or if it happens it happens but won't go looking for it or waste time with someone who primarily wants to get some.

Not interested in speaking of the others for now. I have a new job. Been a year at Customer Loyalty & Retention for a big telecom company. Made almost 50K last year. Hank could barely bank 30K and still no credit so that explains a bit.

I gained MAD weight! Which brings back what I was saying about not changing much. I do things that I know may be a dealbreaker in hopes my partner will break up with me. :S

Did the same with Lionel. :( So back on working on myself. :)

Stressed Out

My 29th birthday ended about 1 hour ago and I'm SUPER stressed out. Why? Well, I lost my job about 2 weeks ago, which is kinda good since that place was killing me softly. I thought it was killing my relationship with Hank as well but as time goes by, I've wondering if he's just not ready at all...I sometimes believe he's just not a good boyfriend.

If I take tonight, for example, now I'll start with what is most likely his point of view. He was SUPER tired, got maybe 2 hours of sleep only, felt awful for not having anything planned for my birthday and no gift... But he was acting up sooo much. Right when we're about to get to bed, I become EXTREMELY stressed out. I have to return some calls for jobs tomorrow, and I don't know...

I am feeling fat and ugly, sure since I'm not working in HELL(the company I worked for had a 4 letter name so it pretty much the same) anymore it's a little better but I still don't feel 100% confident about starting over in this condition. But I only got 1 month severance pay and about 2 weeks vacation to top that off. Hank does not do well with money and I'm getting worried. All at once.

He is not able to help because he wants to sleep, that's it!!! I get a hug after begging but I need more than that. I need more physical contact, not just words... I had to leave the room because I was crying. He didn't know what to do (mostly because he wanted to sleep and I was stressing him out, apparently). So there it is, I gotta go into blog therapy since my boyfriend is either unable or unwilling to help.

No sure which it is... I've been in need of therapy for a while. This is only the first of a series of post more than likely.